Finally a 100% effective cure for homosexuality!
Friends,
Do you know somebody who is suffering from homosexuality? Leading psychologists such as James Dobson agree that homosexuality is a sick diseased perversion which must be cured. However until now ex-gay therapies have been expensive and hard to obtain. Despite our prayers and best lobbying efforts most insurance companies will not pay for treatment to cure homosexuality. That may all soon change thanks to the re-discovery of a 200 year old remedy: Homeopathy.
Hahnmann discovered that the more you dilute a substance the more potent it becomes. This simple, common-sense fact has been suppressed by mainstream science who simply do not want you to know that God has given us the power to heal ourselves!
Homoeopathy was discovered in 1796 by the physician Samuel Hahnmann: He was the first to notice that water has a “memory” allowing it to be subtly changed by substances even when greatly diluted. Hahnmann was first to postulate the “Law of similars” which showed that like can treat like. He proved that if sufficiently diluted coffee can actually cure insomnia. Now why is it that big-pharma has kept this medical wonder secret?
According to standard allopathic medicine AIDS is caused by the HIV Virus (above), however leading scientists dispute this highly controversial hypothesis: According to leading homoeopath Dana Ullman, both AIDS and homosexuality are caused by a bodily energy imbalance which can be corrected by homoeopathic treatment. According to the liberal media there is an epidemic of AIDS, so why are they not embracing every possible treatment? It’s an undisputed fact that Homoeopathy can cure AIDS.
Mainstream or “Allopathic” medicine such as vaccines or anti-biotics use high concentrations of dangerous substances and often cause side-effects which can be worse than the diseases they purport to treat. Homoeopathic remedies almost never cause any kind of side-effect and are safe for people of all ages. Thanks to the homeopathic treatment’s high water content they can actually provide much needed moisture. This has been proved to help maintain your body’s fluid balance.
Nobody really understands what causes homosexuality. Standard medicine has yet to find a single agent responsible for turning people gay, however the majority of homoeopaths believe that it is caused by the syphilitic miasma or as a consequence of vaccine damage. Unfortunately since most mainstream doctors deny these causes even exist they have yet to invest in finding a cure. Clearly we need to look elsewhere for a solution to this grave problem:
According to Dana Ullman, America’s leading Homoeopath there is a 100% natural cure for homosexuality: Natrum Bromatum. This medical wonder can stop all homosexual urges after only one week of use. Dana has used Natrum Bromatum to cure more than ten homosexuals of their deadly perversion. Thanks to his innovative treatment these men are now living healthy and productive lives. Three of them are married with children. How many people has standard medicine cured? Not one I will bet.
America’s leading homoeopathic doctor Dana Ullman has personally cured his patients of diseases such as cancer which are untreatable by standard medicine. He faces harsh opposition from so-called sceptical groups such as the ignorant european Ten-Twentythree group. These people hate the fact that Dana is willing to think outside the box to cure people.
Homoeopathy is a safe and effective treatment, so why is it not available everywhere? As usual the cause of this problem is meddlesome liberals. As usual, those freedom-hating commies don’t want you to have the choice. They would much rather you spend all your money on the new obamascare program. Homeopathy represents a threat to their big-government tax and spend ways. They will stop at nothing, including lies and deception to prevent you from obtaining a homoeopathic treatment.
Shelley’s Special Offer: This month only we are giving an entire year’s supply of homoeopathic essence of Elm for only $59.99 + postage. This remedy was discovered by leading homoeopath Dr. Bach who observed that Elms are amongst natures most homosexual trees. Logically, heavily diluted essence of this plant can reduce homosexual urges. This remedy has been certified by leading homoeopathic doctors as being up to three times as effective as the leading ex-gay therapies. Furthermore, STR industries will fully refund your donation if you still retain any homosexual tendencies after a complete course of this highly effective remedy.
Jimmy Goddard
61 comments
61 Comments so far
Leave a reply
Loading ...
If like cures like, does that mean that Natrum Bromatum is itself a homosexual ingredient?
Alice, I do not pretend to understand all the science but basically Dr. Bach observed that the Elm tree is very gay. As a consequence he applied the law of similars and concluded that a proofing of Elm at approximately 60C would be sufficiently potent to cancel out the energy imbalance which causes homosexuality.
I think you may be barking up the wrong tree . . .
Umm there is no science in this at all. You just made up those theories. How can reduced concentration posibly reverse the effects of something? Homosexuality is caused by a hormonal abnormalities caused by a gene or group of genes, the locus of this gene or genes is as of yet unknown. The only way to “fix”, if it even needs fixing, would be to identify these genes and change them to normal hormone production genes. This theory you are talking about could be aplicable as an extremely primitive form of imunization but it’s effectiveness is nearly null compared to modern inoculations. Before you question me leet me tell you I am taking a AP biology colledge cource at my highschool, am getting an A in it and I’m only 15 compared to the advarage age of 18 for that class. I can spot fake science, the entire previous article, instantly.
you know what, i really like the idea of you trying to cure cancer and aids with homeopathy, as long as it’s on yourself.
HAIL fricking ERIS!
Isn’t this entire website a troll?
I’d like to congratulate you for producing such a hilarious satire of a combination of right-wing homophobic bigotry and utterly meaningless anti-scientific woo.
I mean, you almost had me going for a second, but describing the idea that something becomes more potent as you dilute it as “simple common sense” gave it away.
HAHAHAHAHAHA This is magnificent. This is satire, right?
Now, does “Dr” Ullman consent to a fully randomised, double (or preferably triple) blinded trial of the efficacy of his magic water on HIV/AIDS and homosexuality.
If so, sign me up: not because I want to be “cured” of my homosexuality (it is fundamental to my character and being) but because I would love to be shocked by the outcome.
Honestly, bigotry and ignorance frequently go together, but this is by far the best and most extreme example I’ve seen for a long time. Well done!
Alice, wonderful stuff, made me laugh!
At last, someone willing to stand up against the liberal tidalwave of perversion. If only we were allowed to put a 60C dilution of tall half-caf skinny cinnamon lattes into the water supply, and we could cure them all of their corrupt ways!
This is a piss take right?
I especially like the joke at the end where they peddle a years supply for only (thats right ONLY) 59.99! Now thats some expenisve water!
Oh wait, sorry, thats expensive water that’s been banged in just the right way!
Please tell me; is there a homoeopathic remedy for your stupid?
“Do you know somebody who is suffering from homosexuality? Leading psychologists such as James Dobson agree that homosexuality is a sick diseased perversion which must be cured.”
Well first off Freudian psychologists could classify any affection as a perversion of the parent-child bond. Is Freud the leading psychologist you refer to?
Secondly – I suffered from heterosexuality for many years. I think a lot of people past their teenage years would agree with me on that!
Thirdly, I think you mean psychiatrist as they’re the physicians who are allowed to prescribe medicines in the treatment of mental illness. Psychologists use counselling and psychotherapeutic methods. Subtle difference…
“America’s leading homoeopathic doctor Dana Ullman has personally cured his patients of diseases such as cancer which are untreatable by standard medicine. He faces harsh opposition from so-called sceptical groups such as the ignorant european Ten-Twentythree group.”
And finally a few things here – 1) If you think they are ignorant or not Europe is still capitalised. It is a large community of nations as well as a sub-continent after all. 2) If they disagree with you and are sceptical of your methods they ARE sceptical groups – I believe you meant to question their differing opinion, which your choice of phrasing does not. 3) Your crass phrasing implies ‘standard medicine’ has achieved no results when treating cancer. This is obviously erroneous. 4) I would be most interested to see the studies demonstrating Dana’s success – these would be of great interest and value to all cancer sufferers in the world. Please could you direct me to these studies?
Hi Jimmy
Do you resalise what this means? Natrum Bromatum is the one of the most powerful biological weapons known to man. Taken its pure form it must make you gay! Imagine the long term effects if someone adds this to the water supply in high concetrations, you could wipe out a population in a couple of generations!
The FDA must be warned at once! How are we being protected from this new WMD?
Quack!
This site is a parody, right?
Poe’s law strikes again…
Thank you so much. THis was the biggest laugh I have had in ages. Who says americans don’t understand irony?
Parody? This is a joke right?
@Lisa: europeans do.
;)
hail eris.
id love to know if this is a joke-please respond, id like to know what type of laugh to use
I hate to tell you, but what this homeopathic remedy will actually cure is asexuality and the ability to reproduce without a mate. In other words, this will induce passion in the previously uninterested, and cure something that nobody was able to do anyway – unless science (not Christian science) has taken us further than I was aware?
Now, everybody’s favourite author here, Richard Dawkins, explains that “an entire forest of elms could be regarded as a single individual”. This is because elm trees do reproduce asexually. The “daughter trees” are all clones of the one parent. Elm trees do not need other trees to reproduce at all, and every tree in such a forest has the same genes – like identical twins.
An odd thing to find a cure for. But then cloning yourself is apparently the greatest ecocentrism, so perhaps what this will actually do is make you sexier and a lot more humble.
A few definitions, by the way . . .
Homeosexuality: The sexuality you have after eating sugar pills, which once had water in them (the water has dried up anyway – so even if it DID contain the magic substance, which it doesn’t, and even if water COULD “remember” things, which it can’t, the drying-up would have ruined everything!). You feel like something ought to have changed, but is it all in your mind?
Homeopathology: A worsened form of a disease, because you wasted your time taking homeopathy instead of real medicine.
Homeopottyology: Potty blog posts written as a result of weirdo believes, homeopathy being one of them.
Homeopathos: Intense emotions arising in gullible humans when they hear their favourite subject criticised.
Where does Dana Ullman make the claim that he “cures” cancer and homosexuality with homeopathy? If it’s true that I guess Ullman’s madness has really kicked in now, and man, he was already bat-shit-crazy. Can’t somebody help him?
Okay…
“Hahnmann discovered that the more you dilute a substance the more potent it becomes. This simple, common-sense fact has been suppressed by mainstream science who simply do not want you to know that God has given us the power to heal ourselves”
Do you know what dilute means? Do you know what potent means?
Dilute- to reduce in strength or concentration
Potent-Intense and powerful.
So the more you reduce something in strength and/or concentration, the more powerful it becomes? you fail there….just….fail…
Ignorance can also be cured, though the vast majority of skeptics (who are really “denialists”) of homeopathy are incurable because they prefer to baste in their ignorance. Their high degree of arrogance creates an additional problem.
Skeptics are a lot like Fox News, providing misinformation and hyper-spin in the guise of “science” (but primary a bad type of reductionism).
For those people out there who read…
You all might benefit from the chapter I co-authored with 3 MDs on homeopathy & cancer, published in Oxford University Press’ textbook, “INTEGRATIVE ONCOLOGY.”
Or…you might read my review on studies on homeopathy and AIDS that was published in a peer-review journal. It is out there…do your homework.
“both AIDS and homosexuality are caused by a bodily energy imbalance which can be corrected by homoeopathic treatment”
So how is it that AIDS is a STD yet Homosexuality isn’t? Also, this makes it seem like anyone with AIDS is gay. Well there are numerous straight people with AIDS…
By advocating homeopathy, you are advocating something far more dangerous.
What the homeopaths DO NOT tell you is that all of their remedies contain high concentrations of dihydrogen monoxide – indeed in many it is the principal ingredient.
This is despite the fact that dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) has some very nasty side effects:
- Inhalation of even small quantities of DHMO can result in death
- Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
- DHMO is a MAJOR component of acid rain.
- The gaseous form of DHMO can cause severe burns.
- DHMO can corrode many metals.
- DHMO has been found in many different types of deadly tumours and lesions
As if that wasn’t bad enough, DHMO is used
- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants,
- in the manufacture of biological and chemical weapons
- in the development of genetically engineered crops and animals,
- in many cult rituals
- in the production of Styrofoam,
- in so-called “family planning” or “reproductive health” clinics
There is also very good evidence to show that DHMO was used by Hitler and the Nazis, al Quaeda and in prisons in Turkey, Serbia, Croatia, Libya, Iraq and Iran.
Just so we’re clear, what sort of energy is it that’s imbalanced, and how is it measured?
I think we should use another old-fashioned method to decide which is right: homeopathy or ‘traditional’ medicine. So put you hards together for…
Occam’s Razor! YAAAAAAY!
Hi there, thanks for the article. Can you help with my problem – I am gay and can’t wait to be cured. However the only homeopathic remedies I can find are on tablets which have had the homeopathic water dropped on them. But the water has dried away! As it’s the water that has the memory, how can the tablets contain any ingredient? I am hoping it’s not just a scam to take the money from desperate homosexuals.
Joe, because of the reasons Well Actually states, the actual homeopathic water is incredibly dangerous and it’s a darn good thing that it HAS dried up. I’m not too familiar with homeopractors but I think they kinda hope the water will tell the sugar about its memories before it evaporates. In most cases the sugar, being a sweet kinda guy, will do you a favour and remember it – sadly, at other times it remembers other places the water has been, such as around fish poo in the sea. The real reason for “succussion” is to give these nasty water molecules a right knock on the head to make them forget about everything except the diluted ingredient. But you really don’t want the real things. I believe they were also used in Guantanamo, though Shelley might argue that makes them a good thing.
Just so the morons that view this site and believe it (yes jeb, I’m looking at you) don’t take well actualy’s post seriously, dihydrogen monoxide is another name for water. Read over those dangerous properties of H[subscript]2[/subscript]O and think about it
Never let a homeopath make gravy.
First I am no bio-chemist and have no medical qualifications at all.
I am led to belive that cancer is a group of rogue or malfunctioning cells. The bodies own natural defences can’t idenitify and kill these problem cells without some external help identifying them.
Now as I understand homeopathy it involves the treatment of an illness/condition by subjecting the patient to extremely (some people say non-existant) amounts of the substance causing the condition (for peanut allergies some miniscule amount of a peanut etc).
Now what I am wondering is what substance you can give to prevent cancer considering the body cant identify the cancer cells on its own?
Now I am puzzled also by how you are able to cure “being gay”. How exactly did you isolate “Natrum Bromatum” as being a cure for it? You mention that you cured 10 people of “being gay”, how amny people did you treat with Natrum Bromatum? Was there any counselling involved before they started treatment? Have you any information on the trials of Natrum Bromatum or any papers supporting your assertation that it solves “being gay”?
And considering the body is such a complex system have you any information on diagnosing any irregular energies in the body?
This is joke, right? Surely? Such a level of delusion has to be almost unobtainable!?
Funniest paragraph for me:
According to standard allopathic medicine AIDS is caused by the HIV Virus (above), however leading scientists dispute this highly controversial hypothesis: According to leading homoeopath Dana Ullman, both AIDS and homosexuality are caused by a bodily energy imbalance which can be corrected by homoeopathic treatment.
LEADING scientists!!??
Mr. Ullman:
You have had no medical training, have blood on your hands with your promotion of snake oil quackery, and now it seems (from this blog post) you have bigotry on the brain with your “cure” of homosexuality. Who is like Fox News again?
Great, at first I thought this site was real and this person really believed this overwhelming about of, well ignorance and bigotry. Very good satirical site. Although i think it is still over the top.
Homeopathy is just INCREDIBLE! Who’d have thought that these past two centuries there’s been a government conspiracy to prevent people from practicing it?! Because of course, it’s much cheaper for governments to have to provide all that fake medical treatment for cancer victims than it is to cure them using a bit of water! Only last week I saw a SWAT team raid a suspected homeopath and confiscate his many bottles of liquid miracle! The last I heard is that he was put in Guantanamo. That darn government! Not wanting us to have the wonder cure-all water!
I want to be cured of my homosexuality by ingesting extremely dilute quantities of mansex.
But I need someone to provide the samples. Anyone?
Dana Ullman said – “the vast majority of skeptics … are incurable because they prefer to baste in their ignorance.”
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/baste – For those people out there who both read and comprehend.
Semi-literate rantings normally connote an excess of vitriol and a shortage of objective reflection. And your book is out of print so by all means, please provide access to your chapters, for I read!
Great I want to order one smelley to cure my lesbianism.
Ahhaah such a joke this site !!!!!!!
what a load of horse shit!!!!!!!!!!!!
At first, reading the comments, I thought there was a severe case of satire-detection fail. But now I realise that the commenters are indulging in a highly sophisticated ironic manouvre where they pretend to not recognize the joke and then pretend to have to argue with the blogger about the silliness of homeopathy and the non-disease status of homosexuality.Lucky I picked up on that. Could have been embarrassing.
How can I apply for clinical tests?
I might as well try this homeopathic treatment. In the worst case, I’m getting the so needed moisture.
My boyfriend won’t not like that though.
“Do your friends suffer from gaiety?”
“No, they all rather enjoy it.”
I think it’s time i start a hate site.
Also, I just realized. If like treats like, wouldn’t that mean performing homosexual actions like anal sex would cure you of homosexuality? I am positive that is not true… Considering my brother is still gay after we walked in on him and his roommate(who is a male)
STR two words that best describe you epic failures.
Do I use the bottle like a suppository?
That might cure me of this evil disease as then my bf wouldn’t be able to put his ****************
“At first, reading the comments, I thought there was a severe case of satire-detection fail. But now I realise that the commenters are indulging in a highly sophisticated ironic manouvre where they pretend to not recognize the joke and then pretend to have to argue with the blogger about the silliness of homeopathy and the non-disease status of homosexuality.Lucky I picked up on that. Could have been embarrassing.”
<_< omg you saw through it. You silly interloper you! I thought I had them fooled. But seriously,I am pretty sure you are right. Most people just like to pretend to take this seriously for the LoLz of seeing people stupider than a rock. At least that is how I see it.
@Factual Person
You would say that wouldn’t you. But if you had seen how Mr. Ullmans anti-homo-homeo fixed up my previously carpet-munching gerbil then you’d change your mind. He’s 100% man gerbil now, he’s the Tom Cruise of gerbils.
Katie Holmes is Tom Cruises Beard….
[INSANITY MODE ON] I have never had any contact with Alice ever before but I believe that she is a well balanced blond haired female from the UK who honours freedom of expression and equality for all. Man if she was running a cult to rid the world of scientific ignorance, then so many homeopathic businesses will go out of business! And I’m 99.9999999998% certain she is adorable and sweet on the outside with a heart of truth on the inside! Alice is wise, why waste your time on a hokey “medicine” that is nothing but “glorified” water, all the corporations want is your hard earned green, they don’t care about the truth when it inteferes with acquisition of little pieces of paper with numbers written on them. Alice wants to free people from ignorance and reveal the truth! Viva la Alice!
also omg hav u seen dat irn man 2 traila, it luks totlee rad, woot boot i got to get robot machine..lol
Wow, the “Law of Similars” seems to have failed, my insane rant hasn’t removed my insanity! I demand a refund and a carrot cake topped with walnuts arranged in the shape of the face of Alice! I love Alice, she is cool! Hello Alice, I’m your no1 fan! [INSANITY MODE OFF]
He has a girl’s name, no wonder he has issues.
Excuse me! The above blog says that I (Dana Ullman) believe that homeopathy can “cure” homosexuality. First, homosexuality is not a disease. There IS nothing to cure. IF, however, someone feels badly about their homosexuality (or heterosexuality), then, a homeopath can and will treat that.
I ask you to delete the above blog or at least delete my name from this information. IT IS WRONG.
DEAR SIR
Pls i really need ELM I am 31yrs old now i am suffering from homosexual disease, i want to find myself out of this ribbish, i want to get married and have kids,pls i want to be free from homosexual, i live in spain and i want to buy this, pls can u explain me how to take it daily, and how will i pay for it,
Pls reply to me urgent and tell me how will i pay for it,
N.B i want to inform you that i was disgnose of HIV POSITIVE. i will be happy to get your reply.THANKS.
Bang-on as usual, if only I could think of a way to argue it but facts are facts. You win again STR!
Hello-o,
your Jesus and your Bible said : love. You don’t love. You hate. If there is some “satanic” people on this earth, it is you.
And yeeeaaah I know the Bible forbids the homosexuality, ok, that’s right, it says too that woman is a thing and that polygamy is ok and that esclavagism is good. So, okay. You won. I’ll go to Hell. I’ll dance with the Devil – but for what, for wanting what? FREEDOM, LOVE, TOLERANCE. OMG, do you know these words?
Dude, you can’t fool me! What radio station do you work at? I really wanna check out your show! It must be hillarius!
“Please tell me; is there a homoeopathic remedy for your stupid?”
I truly am beginning to believe this is a parody… no one on Earth really could be THIS misinformed and hateful…
Look at the way Hahnmann is holding his pen! Look at that tilt of the head! He certainly doesn’t look the type to take part in manly pursuits, if you see what I mean.
Surely this is a case of ‘physician heal thyself’.