STR Rewind – Post Rapture Planning
Since, according to Revelations, the Rapture should be starting shortly, it’s best that concerned Christians everywhere begin their post-Rapture planning for those who erroneously decided to turn from God. Thus, we at Shelley The Republican would like to "rewind" to this article on post-Rapture planning. This article has been reprinted and emailed close to 840,000 times and translated into several languages. Please feel free to print and email as you see fit.
Newton Wilcox
It is a sad and worrisome fact that when the Rapture comes some will remain on Earth despite the best of efforts of fine Christians and Christian websites such as this one to inform and educate the Godless, the wicked, the ignorant and the homosexuals as to the fate that awaits them. Theologians struggle to explain why the unsaved remain stubbornly defiant to God’s inescapable and well-documented will. As yet, no one has found a satisfactory theory. My own small contribution to this subject, a treatise entitled The Idiot Anomaly: Explaining Conscious Spiritual Retardation In The Face Of Overwhelming Fact, is slated for publication in July 2008. But now is not the time to speak of this in depth. Rather, I would like to address the issue of how best to care for the un-raptured left on this Earth to wallow in the misery and weep bitter tears of regret for their hubris.
We (by which I mean The Saved) can obviously do nothing from our perch in Heaven to help. Not only will our bodies become like those of Christ, rendering us incapable of physical help, but we will have no other wants, needs or desires other than praising God. It is doubtful that we will even remember our lesbian daughter, our drug-dealing son or the parent that voted Democrat their whole life as their eyes widen in horror as each successive wave of evil sweeps the Earth. We will fully and joyously live eternally with God without the oppression of the wicked! As The Rapture may come at any time, it is important for Christians to plan today for the physical and spiritual safety of their loved ones.
Once raptured, we will be released from thoughts of
all earthly bonds. The pain casued by the unsaved
will be forgotten like so much garbage thrown into the sea
Here is a brief guideline of things to think about. It is suggested that once your plan is in place that you sit down with your unsaved loved ones and walk them through it. This shows them that you are not "hateful" (as no doubt many describe us) but truly concerned with their well-being. We also hear reports of Post-Rapture Planning providing a powerful platform from which to witness. To wit -
It is only natural for the unsaved when presented with a
Post-Rapture to suddenly understand that God is no joke.
Be prepared to accept their testimony and ALWAYS carry
an extra Bible with you.
You: [Name of unsaved], I just want to go over a couple of things you’ll need to know once God takes me to Heaven and leaves you on Earth to suffer until Christ returns to judge you.
Unsaved: Is that what’s going to happen to me?! I had no idea! I don’t want to be left behind! Please help me find Jesus!
This happens far more frequently than you would imagine.
Thus, here are some points to keep in mind as the Rapture draws closer.
Shelter – Many people leave this off their Post-Rapture planning list, assuming that their house will be used for shelter. While that may be true, is your house defensible against attack by the army of Satan? If the European Union or the Muslims (not to mention the North American Union) launches an offensive in your own area of the country (ie – Boise, Idaho or Waco, Texas) can your house withstand the assault? Is there a better, more defensible property available? Many of The Saved spent much time and energy reinforcing their homes and building underground bunkers with an eye towards the day the government outlawed Christianity. Once The Rapture occurs, these sites will, with the exception of Mor(m)on compounds, stand vacant. Consult with those at your church about the availability of their homes, Post-Rapture.
Childcare – Children are born sinful. We can do all that we can to bring them to Christ but this is no guarantee of their status once The Rapture begins. Your teenager may, without your knowledge, have lied about going out witnessing only to go to a friend’s house to watch hardcore pornography on MTV. Your cub scout may have been seduced by a homosexual scout master and now willingly has become a sex-slave. Or perhaps you have been unable to train your toddler not to touch his or her private parts. All of these examples disqualify your child to be Raptured. Who will take care of them as they watch the soles of your shoes ascended into the clouds? Just as you would choose Godparents for your child in the event of your death, it’s important to choose, for lack of a better term, Godless-Parents. This should be a married man and woman who, in the best scenario, just barely missed getting Raptured. Perhaps the father blasphemed infrequently or the mother shoplifted decorative teaspoons. Try to find the most Godly of the godless. Be sure to make them understand just what you expect from them.
Currency – Since in a Post-Rapture environment, paper "money" will mean nothing, gold and precious stones can mean the difference between a loaf of bread and starvation. No doubt, you have already converted any savings you have into gold and precious stones and have found a safe place in which to keep them. It is crucial that you leave directions to the location of your gold for your loved ones so they may find it after you have been raptured . There are several ways to do this. One is to leave a map with the location in a safety deposit box in a bank with explicit instructions that it not be opened until after The Rapture. If you take this course, draw up a legal document for the bank to sign and have it notarized. A second option is to send a letter via The Post-Rapture Post . This is an organization run by Atheists that have no conceivable change of getting Raptured. For a nominal fee, they guarantee to hand deliver letters from the Raptured to the unsaved. I will not vouch for this company. It may well be a scam. I only bring it up as a possibility. Some Christians, despite warnings, use Automatic Teller Machines and "debit" cards. In my opinion, the vast majority cannot be Raptured as they have consented to the Mark of the Beast. However, be sure to include in your letter your Personal Identification Number or PIN.
Credit – Although "money" will become meaningless Post-Rapture, it is believed that credit card companies will continue to issue credit. It is pointless in the scope of this to elucidate the logic of this but it involves actuarial tables and other tools of the occult. Again, most people with credit cards will not be Raptured as they have consented to the Mark of the Beast. HOWEVER, it may be wise to obtain a credit card for use by your loved ones. There is no reason for you to use your gold until absolutely necessary. Consult your pastor.
Sustenance – You should already have a fully stocked pantry encased in lead with supplies for a minimum of three months. If not, then you have not taken the nuclear threat posed by Iran seriously enough. If you have recently given your life to Christ and have not yet had The Rapture properly explained to you, then this page will help you in planning the contents of your pantry. Besides, your pantry, be sure to teach your loved ones proper gardening techniques as well as the proper way to slaughter, skin, dress and cure the meat of various types of animals.
Tools – Depending on your geographic location, you will need a variety of tools including – crosscut saws, hand saws, hammers, screw drivers, nails, screws, shotguns, hand guns, machine guns, bullets (buy triple what you think you need), padlocks, barbed wire, generators, batteries, shortwave transmitter/receiver, knives (for skinning, eating and self-defense), bows, arrows, ammonium nitrate, plastic explosives, blasting caps, wind up clocks, binoculars…your needs will undoubtedly vary.
Transportation – You should have both an American-made motorcycle and one manual transmission car made pre-1975 in Detroit. Also an assortment of bicycles and/or push scooters.
Bibles – I’ve saved the most important for last. Remember – The Rapture is only the prelude to the time when Jesus will return to Earth to judge the living and the dead. This means your unsaved loved ones have one more chance . It is vitally important that they know this. As they watch your body rise as God calls you home and truly understand what has happened, they need to understand that, although they are unworthly sinners, they may still redeem themselves before God. But they cannot do this unless you have given them the tools for their own redemption.
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I couldn’t agree more, Mr. Wilcox. Thanks for these valuable information and tips. The day Obama stole the elections was the first day of the end of the world. We better be prepared. God ain’t waiting.
Shelley Goodman, Elk River, Idaho
The USA is the center of the world, a new president means a change world president, your country is a very huge part of the entire planet.
What’s going on with y’all? Your honesty is just shocking! Sarah, yes you are a slut.. a filthy slut.. I agree.
Shelley
“Since, according to Revelations, the Rapture should be starting shortly”
Funny that you immediately star preaching doom and gloom even though Obama isn´t even in office yet.
“Theologians struggle to explain why the unsaved remain stubbornly defiant to God’s inescapable and well-documented will. As yet, no one has found a satisfactory theory.”
Here´s a simple one: Some people don´t blindly trust into something just because some other guy wrote it into a book two millenia ago and spews stuff about miracles and invisible dudes in the sky.
“My own small contribution to this subject, a treatise entitled The Idiot Anomaly: Explaining Conscious Spiritual Retardation In The Face Of Overwhelming Fact, is slated for publication in July 2008.”
Link or it didn´t happen.
“Rather, I would like to address the issue of how best to care for the un-raptured left on this Earth to wallow in the misery and weep bitter tears of regret for their hubris.”
I´m not going to cry. Rather, I´m going to arm up. The bible itself says that god failed to overcome some small tribe because they had Iron Chariots.
Well, meet my Iron Chariot: http://www.fprado.com/armorsite/leo2.htm
So yeah, I´m looking forward at humanity storming the gates of hell and, to be a bit sarcastic, bring some democracy into satan´s lair.
And after that, we´re gonna go and bust up heaven.
“We will fully and joyously live eternally with God without the oppression of the wicked! ”
Till the united militaries of earth pay a visit and tear down heavens gates, that is. I´m gonna love that look on your face.
“Shelter – ”
Funny that you´re showing a german installation, judging from the camo scheme in the background. That´s good ol´ Flecktarn.
“our cub scout may have been seduced by a homosexual scout master and now willingly has become a sex-slave.”
Did nobody tell you? The boy scouts have a two-man-rule. Oh, and homosexuals are normally not into pedophilia.
“Since in a Post-Rapture environment, paper “money” will mean nothing, gold and precious stones can mean the difference between a loaf of bread and starvation.”
Why should it? It´s not as if the governments will suddenly cease to exist.
“Sustenance – ”
Love how you use some Cold War “What to do in case of nuclear war” pic for this. Considering the biggest showing of firepower seen in the bible doesn´t even come close to a strategical warhead, it is, of course, misleading junk.
“If not, then you have not taken the nuclear threat posed by Iran seriously enough. ”
Like how the most pessimistic analysis doesn´t hand them a functional nuke in the next 10 years minimum? Or how they don´t have any means to reach most of western Europe, let alone the USA? Or how they couldn´t assemble an arsenal big enough to do more than a scratch without getting discovered and bombed to bits before finishing that “plan”?
“Tools – Depending on your geographic location, you will need a variety of tools including – crosscut saws, hand saws, hammers, screw drivers, nails, screws, shotguns, hand guns, machine guns, bullets (buy triple what you think you need), padlocks, barbed wire, generators, batteries, shortwave transmitter/receiver, knives (for skinning, eating and self-defense), bows, arrows, ammonium nitrate, plastic explosives, blasting caps, wind up clocks, binoculars…your needs will undoubtedly vary.”
Again, why? It´s not as if civilisation will break completely down one moment to the other. The governments will still be there, most of the people will still be there etc. All that´s gonna be missing will be a bunch of extremists. That´s a negligible impact.
“The day Obama stole the elections”
Newsflash: He didn´t steal them, he won fair and square. In a landslide.
The German Guy
Victory, sweet victory.
^^ Obvious moderation by admins is obvious…
Also, a good read, I ROFL’d, but at this point there isn’t even a good reason to begin to address these points.
You did make one correct statement though.
“We (by which I mean The Saved) can obviously do nothing”
I LIKE SQUIJY JUICE BOB TOMATO
HEY SHELLY, THIS WEBSITE HAS THE BEST STRATEGY
http://WWW.MEATSPIN.COM
ALSO
http://WWW.GOAT.SE
AND
http://WWW.2GIRLS1CUP.COM
that last one is reffering to the holy grail
and goat.se is talking about killing lambs and painting the blood on your door like in the bible
honestly, shes probably retarded enough to beleive that XD
I find that nothing satisfies like a cigarette, post-Rapture.
Ahhh.
p.s. Shelley… that’s an awfully fast move to Idaho. Are you what we call a Composite Republican? I just don’t see how you can fit in classes in N. Carolina, a trip to a victory party (that wasn’t there) in Virginia and follow it up with a 24 hour move to Idaho…
… unless, of course, you are a lying sack of shit.
That’s always possible, of course.
omfg.. this is hilarious haha soo, who you have to sleep with to get onto the god hitlist thingy? :D
shelly and the rest of str are a bunch of loonies
Where in northern Idaho? Hayden Lake?
*omfg* Alright, now you really have me rolling on the floor with laughter, especially the part about children *lol* Honestly, if heaven will be filled with people like you, then I’d rather stay here and throw a party with Satan.
God or Lucifer of whoever bless all those equipped with brains!
Sen
I am very thankful that my mother was conscientious about my early dental care.
I’ll be able to barter with my gold inlays for a nice dumpster rental.
p.s. Sara Carter: yes on washing one’s pussy; no on insulting Shelley’s mama. The poor woman has suffered enough.
Is this blog a joke or are you really that ignorant?
I can’t believe what I had to read here!
What is wrong with you? Why do you hate Obama so much?
How could you hate Obama??? What has he done to you?
Listen to me: Obama beat your Republican Party for good. Your party is destroyed. Obama’s love is flooding the world and everything will just be wonderful. You better deal with it and get rid of your hate, otherwise I’ll make you!!!
Please visit my blog for some sanity!
http://www.ObamaLove.us
hey smelley, how’s your cave?
this would be something for you if you wouldnt piss your pants over a black president:
http://blog.wired.com/cars/2008/11/save-the-earth.html
HAIL ERIS!
Yup. There is no more doubt of it. Shelley is starting an apocalyptic cult.
Hi – all across America, the many branches of the KKK are uniting to show their love and solidarity for Barack Obama.
Is this not proof enough? Even the biggest former racists honor your new president Obama.
An other important point is – the Democrats are better for your economic situation (or do you belong to the very rich?). He gives to the middle class more tax breaks and seems to want make changes in the good ole boy system.
Cousin Mary from TX and Paul from NYC told me, they can`t understand all these poor people in the States, who voted the Republicans. For their poor financial status, it would be much better for them to vote the Democrats.
This is really strange and hard to understand.
The Europen Union don`t want to attack the States – this is the best joke ever. Even Iran and North Korea are not able to attack the States. (too expensive….) and the Russians just wag a finger.
The time of conventional wars is over – you still live in the Cold War like McCain. You can`t understand new mainstreams and the current foreign politics. You just believe in your pastor, cause he confirms your opinion.
However – I think, Elk River is a very impressive landscape – great place to live. In the web I found some pics, this must be actually an amazing landscape. Some of my distantly related relatives live in Idaho and they told me about this wonderful wildlife.
Do you remember, as I told you – Anytime the STR crew will move to an “island”? Because your ideas are not very popular all over the States – and if you are not able to accept different statements, you have to move.
Always I was wondering, why you live in Iowa City, because I remember well, this state, especially Iowa City had a lot of anti-war protestors in the late 60ies and early 70ies and many of them still live there – they are democrats and liberals. I can imagine, many people in Iowa voted Obama.
About half of Idaho voters, one of the nation’s most conservative states, identified themselves as Republicans and they voted heavily for McCain – This is the right place for you.
Peter Vienna
@Shelleythefreedomhater you say your for freedom of speech well i got something to say about that. bull shit cause you keep deleting my comments like i said i’m gonna make your life a living nightmare and a living hell for everytime you delete my comments you shit smelling bitchwhore.
@osku yep she sure is starting a cult.
Fuck You STR
Shelley hon,
God bless you in your fight against the atheist/liberal/closet Moslem/elitists who want to destroy our country!
You might want to pass along this here information for them pet owners who will be raptured:
http://thegoodkentuckian.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-grudingly-admit-there-might-be-one.html
-Norma Jean
p.s. I just wanted to thank “Tammy” for leading me to your Holy site. She done posted your address from here:
http://liberalsmustdie.com/CommentView,guid,59D91196-54F9-4FDA-AE6B-1CD5F5588F46.aspx#f33376bc-08b6-449c-86a3-9e37e72adcaf
This is one of the best blogs out there about all of the things Obama gets into. Everything is laid out in facts and in order. Go and see; I guarantee you’ll like the site. http://therealbarackobama.wordpress.com/
Wow shelly, you seem to be surrounded on all sides. Just like Israel in the End Times when Russia, Iran (formerly Persia), and many of the Islamic Fundamentalist countries in the Middle East during the battle of Gog and Magog. Just like that unlikely Israeli victory God will have his hand in your deliverance! It won’t be long and our new “President” is going to bring our once proud nation to it’s knees. All legal gun ownership will be outlawed making it possible for our government to be hijacked by our now completely socialist government. Our constitution will be rendered obsolete, and our sovereignity will be murdered all in the name of “globalism.” I have heard President Hussein say that he wishes to end American “Isolationalism”, which is a lib fancy pants way of saying that he wants America’s middle class to foot the bill for not only our own lower class, but that of all of the rest of the world’s lower class population. This only makes sense considering his family all live in grass huts in Kenya. Just be happy that you will soon get the oppurtunity to buy his brother a new home in Africa!!!! Welcome to the New World Order Lib freaks! We are all doomed to be oppressed by having the boots of the Democratic party led by Barack “not that Hussein” Obama on our throats! And the libs our celebrating our new found slavery!
@Normal Jean Hatfield-McCoy neither god nor does satan exist there is no heaven nor is there a hell just like the bible it’s nothing but a work of fiction i have finally realized that i have been lied to about the existance of god all my life and i have now offically admit that i am now a athiest thanks to the athiests for waking me up and finally realizing there is no god.
in fact i would like to thank those athiest’s for finally opening my eyes cause now i know that there is no god and there never was a man named jesus and if he was a real man i want solid and hardcore and concrete and historical evidence of jesus and don’t tell me about the bible cause i want historical evidence.
a new and damn proud athiest.
Awww, come on…Shelley and the STR crew aren’t loonies—they’re genii! This is the best Rapture checklist I’ve ever read…Thank you so very much, Shelley.
Nobody ele seemed to think an American motorcycle was necessary, but you and I know better.
@Sarah Ward oh yes they are loonies and should be put in a mental hospital and should never see the light of day those STR idiots are a threat to society who do nothing but spread racism and biggotry.
@Shelleythefreedomhater
welcome to the l.o.p.w.b.
the LEAGUE OF PEOPLE WITH BRAINS.
hail eris.
hey smelley, how’s your cave?
I like laughing at this site, which is a satire for all you who don’t know.
But frankly, I’m scared for our country if some of these posters aren’t being satirical. Imagine if you guys ever got in power. We’d probably get in a bunch of wars and have another depression and… Oh, shit. It happened.
This post is hilarious; if I had any thoughts that this website was serious before now, they’re all gone. Credit companies will continue to issue credit in heaven!
Great satire, if way over the top.
Hi – you wrote:
Theologians struggle to explain why the unsaved remain stubbornly defiant to God’s inescapable and well-documented will.
Not all theologians are like you – most of the theologians are much more tolerant and broad minded. For instant, if you actually tell the people “the children are born sinful”….most of the people disagree nowadays. Most important is, how you explain or praise God words. Of course, in the past, in the late Middle Age till to the 19th century – the ancient Christian clerics used to be intolerant and bigoted – like you are today.
My friends said, there are still some areas in North America today, where such extreme conservative preachers still live and preach. But most of the theologians worldwide found a solution (conservative preachers like you still struggle….).
I think, theologians like you are a minority today. Even the pope and the Vatikan (the highest Christian clerics), even these clerics became much more tolerant and have liberal ideas. For instant, they accept the evolution of species since 2 decades.
Especially in the States are some tiny minorities, who still read the Bible literally. Most of the Christians all over the globe don`t do that anymore. It is definitely bigoted, if you claim, all Democrats are godless and sinful. The ancient Christianity is based on democratic ideas and modern clerics vote the democrats as well.
Peter Vienna
This really is a joke, right?
Folks, I can’t tell if this is real or not but as a Christian I’d like to say that the stuff on this page is so far off-base and un-Biblical that it’s comical.
I’m not a Democrat but I think Jesus was. Didn’t He hang out with hookers and criminals? Weren’t all the apostles criminals in their time? If this isn’t a joke, I pray this person spends more time reading (the Bible) and less time writing.
God bless.
first off let me say that i am sorry for all of you who have wasted your time with this site and your religion. have you ever asked yourself “what happens if i am wrong? what happens if the bible was just a bed time story book? what if everyone goes to hell regardless of race, religion, sex, sexual orientation or age?” what then.
i am very sorry if i cause anyone to question their beliefs.
why does it cause you pain to see someone believe something that you do not. do you hate people who choose pepsi over coke? do you hate people for the way they were born?
what happens if you or your wife gets raped and and the doctor says there are too many negitive factors in this pregnancy the child will be terminally ill for their entire life and will be crippled and can only live on life support, if the child is born they will be bottle feed moraphine until they are six and then will need extensive therapy just to interact with people. what would you choose to do? would you be cruel and force the child to live a life where they only know pain?
-what happens when god rejects everyone except the jews?
-how will you protect your children from the MTV whores during spring break or summer vacation?
-how do you know the father at your chruch believes in what he is saying?
-are you sure you are doing the right things?
thank you for you time
Brain Child, to answer your question, firstly Hell is not a physical place. This is obvious upon refencing the Hebrew, and Greek words within the bible that refer to the english word “hell”. Rather “Hell” is an absence of God, therefore a place of nothingness. This idea of a burning torture chamber is completely and utterly inaccurate.
Secondly, as the people of the Jewish faith, like the Unitarians, believe that Jesus was a good man, but reject the idea of him being God’s son, it is unlikely that God would reject everyone but the Jews.
Thirdly, protecting your child from MTV should be the least of your concerns during a spring break/summer vacation.
You also asked the question about whether the father at your church believes what he is saying? Chances are that he does not. Christians are not taught to thik for themselves in the most cases, so it would be rare for one of them to think more about something than to blindly agree to it. Thus most of the time fathers/ministers/pastors just parrot what they have heard throughout their life.
And to your question, are you sure you’re doing the right things?
Sadly you already know the answer to this question, and it itself is a question:
Is anyone ever sure they are doing the right thing? You wouldn’t have so many questions if you were steadfast in your beliefs.
This rapture sound interesting, it sounds like the world might actually band together and think as one nation after the extremists are gone.
I’m gonna laugh when the Rapture happens, and then NOTHING HAPPENS.
Oops, I posed thi in the wrong thread before. Sorry! What is the rapture and when did this modern concept start and why? http://tiny.cc/rapturelie
ITS THE EEEND OF THE WOR….wait…2008? Were going through the apocalypse AHH!!