Liberal Comment : Cruel Vision for America
Friends,
I recently received this comment:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.”
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as “U.S. English.” We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
You should stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer.” Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]
That is exactly why we have to seperate America from the rest of the world. To conserve American values! And some of you wonder why I hate Europe… Excuse me, I have to go, I feel sick after reading this comment.
Regards,
Shelley
51 comments
51 Comments so far
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wow .. i’d be honoured if i’d receive a comment by john cleese ;-)
*lol*
that document is pure genius :-o …
i hereby declare this to be your new constitution!
any violation will be punished by means of a London Tower crow picking out an eyeball!
Thats right, separate america from the rest of the world. Build a huge wall around america, not only to keep foreigners from getting in, but also to keep americans from getting OUT.
Why not take it a step further and give americans internal papers so they can go accross state borders??
Or how about making them wear a noticable icon on their clothing to identify that they are americans??
“American Values” ?? Do explain to the rest of the world what those values may be?? Is it invading sovereign nations illegally?? Is it interfering with democratically elected governments that you oppose?? Is it the systematic murder of the young, infirm and mentally incapable?? is it the massacre of innocent people?? Or is it purely being a bully??
Maybe when America has learned how to behave in a civil society, they may apply to rejoin the rest of the world.
America needs the world much more than the world needs america.
hahaha. Shelley u gullible dumb redneck moron. Republicans really are… hahah … oh my Gawd. I dont even have a word to describe them! What a howler!! :)) Great Letter. America should now merge with Canada and have the Queen reinstated as the head of state. :)))
The greatest threat to this planet: the British Colony they call U.S.A.
quote: “This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic)”
wrong.it is manufactured in Ceske Budejovice (city 99,9% of you are not aware of)
America shouldn’t be seperated from the rest of the world. Instead, the populace that consists of people similar to Shelley should be concentrated in an enclosed section of the Nevada Test Site, where scientists can observe how nuclear energy and radiation affects humans.
You are just silly. Just 9-10 lines below you write “Christianity is freedom and tolerance.”. Then why can’t you tolerate this letter by Mr Cleese, which happens to be a piece of humour? Also, would a real christian hate an entire continent?
Yeah, but the funny thing is, all of the criticisms are true! Separation only further proves the point :D
Frankly, i cna only see 2 outcomes for the states.
1 = civil war between the north and coastal liberal states, agaisnt the neo-conserverative heartland and south.
2 = having a world war declared on them and becoming the new 21st century hot-spot of the world.
You say that as a christian you work for tolerance and such, and here you say you “hate Europe”. Finally you have to admit you re a bit racist, and not such a good example of what a christian should be/say, don’t you?
Anyway, I remember I read this document long ago on some random internet humor site or blog. It s just a joke don’t get upset about that… There jokes about USA, UK, france, asiats, blacks, blonds, everybody. Have some sense of humor!
Nice one Shelley! Although I’ve seen this letter years ago, a second read was well worth it.
That letter is sheer genius. And just goes to prove that americans do not have a sense of humour!
Keep your sick country to yourself
Fiend i totally agree with you…. We should elect fiend as the new president
Oh my God(and yes, I do have one, though I am a proud liberal)! This letter is obviously fake. Get a sense of humour you idiot. It scares me to know that you are allowed near a computer at all. Shouldn’t you be cooking or something? If you don’t know who John Cleese is, you should be shot in the face.
Haha! that’s a funny text! As a foreigner, I can tell it’s funny…and somme are true :p
I actually come frome Belgium :d I can say: i spent 10 month in Oregon, and nobody knew Belgium…
And what he says about rugby is true, haha, my god, I can stop laughing!
Now, THAT’S what I call humour:)
Me
Yep. If truly written by THE John Cleese or not, the author got his kind of humor perfectly!
And what he wrote about ‘american football’ is what I thought of it since my childhood! :DDD
The part about beer is just as funny.
Greetings from germany,
the land of the Reinheitsgebot ;)
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinheitsgebot)
V.
“America shouldn?¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?ɬ¥t be seperated from the rest of the world. Instead, the populace that consists of people similar to Shelley should be concentrated in an enclosed section of the Nevada Test Site, where scientists can observe how nuclear energy and radiation affects humans.”
Humans? Shelly?
The two words dont go together, fungus is far more appropriate.
Clooney really needs to stop with his preaching: he lives in one of 10 different homes around the world, half the time in Italy or some other communist nation.
What does he even know about real life for americans?
Rockets
Italian a communist country?
Please inform yourself before writing crap!
Ohhhh, can some dear American please explain to me when does one stops being
African-American
Italian-American
Irish-American
Cuban-American
Uzbekistan-American
etc etc
and become American…..Just curious as in my experience the most rabid ones are typically also the ones who have proudly never been to the first part ever….?
So, Italy is a communist country?!
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, llllloooooooooooooooooolllllllll
Alex, i guess you also paint your neck with the red colour, to prove that you are as stupid as a door!!!
Are you a member of the bush family???? I guess you are.
Die soon
EU
Pure genius this letter. I doubt John Cleese posted it here (you never know) but maybe he did write it some time ago. Whoever wrote it: congratulations ;-)
I say conserve the World from USA ^^
Funny. If you want to know how it originated go to any of the links below:
http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blrevocation_cleese.htm
(the full letter)
http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_a.htm
(part a)
http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_b.htm
(part b)
This was the best explanation I could find using the Holy Grail of knowledge – Google :P.
Of course ‘Shelley’ would’ve stumbled across this as she surfed the web and more than likely thought what a great laugh and how perfect this could be to stir the pot on her ‘special’ site.
Shelley is gullible? Actually believing ‘Shelley’ is an actual person and not a fictional character made up as a joke – that is being gullible.
Muahahhahaha….
guess what, the rest of the world starts to rather become friends with China, Iran, Afghanistan etc. than with the U.S.
Why you ask ?
Because of people like you that separate the formerly good guys more and more and soon you will learn that you are alone…sitting in the wall you put up because you are afraid of the real world you are starting to learn about because you have learned how to use a computer and reduced your consumption of self-praising tv shows and movies.
You can be sure, the rest of the world would be a more peaceful place if you would really build a wall around the U.S., just like people feel safer if the dangerous dog is in its cage, as noone can tell when it will bite.
To prove what you are stating in this bs-blog, I would suggest you join the army and go to Irak, as many of your troops would rather be European then US-citizen and can discuss problem rather then being shot or crippled thousands of miles away from their family…
Prove it, go to Irak Baby !
Still laughing !
Actually, while we’re about this:
Stop playing “football” and play rugby.
Stop playing “soccer” and play football.
Stop playing “baseball” and play cricket.
Stop “NASCAR” and take up Formula 1.
Stop playing basketball. Just stop.
Actually, I’ve changed my mind. You can carry on playing them, but just regognise them for the cheap imitations of British sports they are.
You dragged my country into your governments war.
My brothers are dead.
What for?
The black liquid left over from dead prehistoric animals.
You should be ashamed to fly any Gods flag in the name of war, irrelevant of your nationality.
I’m glad to see so many Americans are just like me. I feel so sorry that you bear the weight of the worlds pointing finger, if I could carry that burden for you I would. I feel sorry that people like ‘Shelley’ ruin your good name.
Shelley, I think you’re too clever to not see that this is a joke – even you should know John Cleese (Monty Python!), although he’s not from America (unlike American comedians, he’s funny). So what’s the point in posting this here?
Hello!
I really enjoy with this site, thanks so much!!!
It’s funny to see people who think of themselves as overly religious, who are going to do nothing but burn in hell because of their ignorance
at least you’ll never be cold again you dumb fuck Shelley
I also enjoy so much with this site, hahahaha, always so funny
that letter is brilliant and so true.
USA- A stain on humanity.
Wow, John Cleese and “Shelley the Republican”.
An explosive mix. Laughs are for sure, my friends. ^^
Haha
The thought that the letter was just a joke didn’t even cross her mind, it seems
She’s just too dumb.
What I really liked was the way that she criticises the world cup (hey, I’m an Aussie and follow Australian Rules Football, but soccer is the world game, just admit the truth) – then further down the page in one of her adoring pics of US invaders in Iraq – the soldier is playing, you huessed it, soccer, with the kids. What a dumbfuck!
DS
if you knew anything about the world outside america you would know that john cleese is a COMEDIAN, although most of it is actually quite true. and what kind of american values mean its wrong to call football football instead of soccer, you should think of some better values, like not starting wars, like accepting people for who they are, like not being racist, like not using guns, like not being homophobic, like not using god to preach hate, like not thinking you are better than everyone else, incidentally (this goes for anyone) no-one is better than you. but you are not better than anyone
Could you please tack on the end
15) that the new national curiculum shall have to include lessons on humor, satire and sarcasm, perhaps administered by a six week course in fawlty towers.
16) Going to the gym will be mandatory, as all americans are so fat and lazy, the extra strain on the NHS for heart problems will cost to much
Lansing makes plan to keep helicopter
LANSING | The village plans to formally accept a U.S. Army helicopter as a gift in order to keep it at critical illness Veterans Memorial at the Municipal Airport.
lol, i love this letter, awesome! im scottish by the way, the northern part of the united kingdom; also, incidentally, where george galloway is from, you fool.
you are EXACTLY the kind of american this type of humour and this letter is directed at, grow up and see sense you poor, poor, fool.
by the way, seriously, is this whole blog a joke? because i read through alot of it and literally everything you say is unbeleivably moronic.
i love america by the way, and i appreciate all the great people and good culture [we'll leave out mcdonalds] the country has given to the world. but in everything you get good and bad, and i fear that this is more extreme than in other countries. please americans, dont vote people like the neo conservatives into power EVER AGAIN!
yours worryingly, terrasidius ;D
Only a Brit like John Cleese could have written that. It’s funny because it’s true!
http://www.ferm.techus.info
Good site! Thanks!
RULE BRITTANIA
John Clease… a genius if ever there was one… you know.. you should listen to him, might learn a thing or two :)
*gives round of applause and then does a Nazi German Fawlty Towers walk to give himself dead legs in appreciation of such fine diction and the ability to express as only he could the real issues*
shelley if you do not know who john cleese is then you my dear are the biggest stupid fucking idiot in history. he was in monty python you dipshit.
John Cleese…we love you! Spot on John, and brilliantly funny at the same time! And if you don’t know who John Cleese is, well…it kind of says it all, he is also Q in James Bond but I guess you havn’t seen that because he’s “immoral.”
hahahaaa that email was fucking hilarious!!
If u look at the list u realise that if every american is like you, WW3 is on the horizon.
(as in, every other god damn country is gonna get sick of uz)
Best letter posted on STR yet. (in the order ive observed them)
*Tears up and salutes* God bless you, sir!!!! That was the single greatest article I’ve ever read.
I love John Cleese, read this a number of years ago! So glad to read it again, makes me laugh ever time.
It wasn’t a joke though, we’re just organising some shiz and then we’ll be back to take America, you’ll be free again soon :P