US Citizenship for Jesus Christ : Sign the Petition
Dear Friends:
As we all know, our Lord and Savior will come down from Heaven to save mankind. Surely he will come to the USA first, since this is God’s chosen country. Therefore to give him legal status in America we need to grant him the US-Citizenship!
We can not let him walk around as illegal immigrant and possible be arrested by overeager officers of the department of ‘US Citizenship and Immigration Services’!
I suspect that many of my dear visitors will again suspect that this article is satirical, but I can assure you this is not the case. Whatever you believe, please consider signing this PETITION!
Dear Friends, thank you very much for all your support.
Yours sincerely,
Shelley Goodman
Picture Source: Villagevoice.com
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i think jesus is starving in captivity of a german gay antheist using linux to type this.
I think the US will reject him though, it says in the bible that a man with long hair is evil or so (true, read the bible, it says it somewhere in there)…so jesus will have to go to mexico or iran or north korea….they’ll love him there.
Oh God tell me this isn’t true!
I love you Shelley and all the good you are doing for this country. God bless you Shelley! You are a great gal.
OMG!LMAO why are you that sure Jesus will chose USA? LOL!!
bue yeeh, those are your beliefs, I’m not again that… but, please keep writing, you are hilarious =D
I can’yt wait for this lets see how will we recognise him –
He is of Arab appearance wears a dress, quite liberal and will tell us all to love our fellow man, oh nooooooooooooo
although i think this is ridiculous i want to point out my opinion:
doesnt jesus love all humans?
he loves all and isnt interested in theire skin or nationality
so god and jesus wouldn’t prefer any country on this planet
also not the usa
greetings
You are right Shelley. The USA is God’s chosen country. No other nation is so exmplary, faithful and peaceful as the Americans. In God we trust, and God trusts in us!
altough tis is very ridicoulos i want to point out my opinion:
doesnt jesus love all humans? he isnt interested in their language, their skin or their nationality
so god does.
he wouldn’t prefer any country on this planet taht’s sure but why do you think the usa is a god choosen country? because of your high gun death rates? ok jesus has a gun on this picture so it could be true
greetings
if jesus wants to come to the US, why doesnt he ask for asylum himself?
Dear Shelley,
Please let me have Jesus’ email when he comes to earth. He looks even better than Tommy. And he’s got a gun.
Thanks,
A woman
Dear Shelley,
Please let us know Jesus’s email when he comes down to earth.
Thanks,
A woman
You are sick
i pray every day for you, shelley ;-)
Hunny… dear… if you really are serrious about this… I mean its the lord our god… really I don’t think its going to matter to him whether he’s a citizen or not. Considering technicaly. he owns the place… know what I’m saying? It kinda ALL belongs to him. And I think that giving him our permission to come into this country is a lot like you trying to give an 800 lbs gorilla permission to do whatever it wants. See where I’m going with this? I know you mean well but…. well… you’ll figure it out.
hehe must say this is one of your best so far. But if i do play along with your idea teoretically as a O.P said a long haired bearded man from a tribe from the middle-east, with a very liberal view on most things.. Id say if he enters the US he ends up in gitmo.
If Jesus applies for it legally, passes the citizenship exams, pays all the fees, and recites the oath of citizenship, then sure, welcome aboard.
Yes, if Jesus returned today he would naturally prefer the USA to all other countries. We are the only nation that continues to trust and worship him. Other countries are led by athiests. Ours is lead by an administration of Christians. It is only sensible that Jesus be granted citizenship before he returns.
The USA is obviously God’s chosen country. He has made us wise and granted us power with which to guide lesser nations.
This is just common sense. Would you deny the son of God citizenship? He died for your sins, it would be the least we could do.
Tristan
No thanks. I’m happy to be Israeli.
You should be ashamed to associate a love figure like Jesus to an horrible human-made weapon.
I’m agnostic but i fairly hope there is Hell somewhere that is waiting for you and your total xenophobia.
God IS NOT an American. America is more Sodome, Gomorre & Babylone than any other country in the world.
Isn’t america device “In god we trust”? Then you should first learn this first bible learning : love your belongers and never judge them.
Wow, I cannot believe anyone would sign this miserable piece of S H I T. Surely he will come to the USA first, since this is God’s chosen country. This right here is scary as hell. Shelly, will you please give me your address so I can beat all the stupidity out of you?
wow shell I love you, /bin/bash rules!
“You are right Shelley. The USA is God’s chosen country. No other nation is so exmplary, faithful and peaceful as the Americans. In God we trust, and God trusts in us!”
Really. What is your proof that the USA is “God’s chosen country”?
“No other nation is as…peaceful as the Americans”? You do realize the US is fighting 2 wars right now, don’t you?
3 things:
You do a disservice to Jesus to put a weapon in his hand, remember the King of Peace stuff.
if 2/3 of the human population are non-christian and of the 1/3 left not all believe in Jesus one should question such a driving force in one’s life (he would want you to)
I love it, I came here for laugh and really laughed at your google adsense program. Becuase of your ignorance you are actually making money for those you HATE. If you don’t get it I’m laughing even harder. Click here for SEO, “Gay Marrage” – Cha ching
Freedom of speach is great and freedom of belief is even greater
Stop using Jesus Christ for your political propaganda, you ignorant prick.
Typical of a republican redneck.
DAMN, U ARE ALL 2 STUPID.
THE GUNS ARE ONLY MEANT TO KILL B A D PEOPLE !
PEOPLE HATED BY JESUS !
AND THOUGH JESUS MAY LOVE ALL PEOPLE HE LOVES AMERICANS MORE.
SO HE WILL PROBABLY CHOOSE TO VISIT THE U S A FIRST !
I think Jesus would be better off with a neutral citizenship: what about Swiss citizenship ?
Ok I get it, I’ve been here a few times and it has finally sunk in. I can’t quite believe I couldn’t spot the irony, I’m even British!
I do believe, being the son of God and all, He in all his glory is cabable of handling the situation, if needed.
Dear Shelley,
I am very sad about the statement, that your article isn’t satirical.
First of all, I want to say that Jesus was the first communist, that is mentioned in history. So why do you want to give the US-Citizenship to a communist?
I think Jesus wouldn’t have agreed to any of your articles.
I am not Christian and I don’t beliefe in God. But if this all would be true, Jesus wouldn’t save any American. You are the biggest sinners because you are responseable for the greatest Weapon of Massdestruction: Starvation
So long,
an human that don’t belief in borders
“You should be ashamed to associate a love figure like Jesus to an horrible human-made weapon.”
“You do a disservice to Jesus to put a weapon in his hand, remember the King of Peace stuff.”
Typical urban-liberal bias. If you had spent any time in the country, you would know that a rifle or shotgun is not a weapon but a means of controling vermin on a ranch. Do you honestly think that Christ would want to spend time in urban New York or San Fransisco? Not at all, he would want to be with the people who love him and value his sacrifice – and that means he would most probably want to share our simple, humble lives.
As I have often said, guns do not kill people, people kill people. In the hands of our lord, a shot-gun would be a tool for peace. I dont think Jesus Christ would have any objection holding a weapon.
Not only do liberals want to deny our Lord his citizenship, they would also wish to deprive him of his God-given 2nd ammendment rights!
Tristan
Man, this site rocks. One of my favourite fun sites. Whenever I need a laugh I come here…
Thanks for all the great moments!
Thanks for the nice comment!
Jesus would own a good rifle, folks!
We do know he is American now and he will have the citizenship soon!
@Germangaylinuxuser
I think the US will reject him though, it says in the bible that a man with long hair is evil or so (true, read the bible, it says it somewhere in there)…
First, your blogger name symbolizes nearly all of what’s wrong with this world.
Second, please quote the exact passage in the bible that says that a man with long hair is evil otherwise don’t preach of sth. you seem to have absolutely no knowledge of.
I find this petition a very good idea and will sign it asap. The USA is the most godly country on earth. Nearly all of the Americans love Jesus and would welcome him with open arms.
Where else should he go? To Europe where more than two third of the population are atheists who don’t give a damn about God and Jesus? Countries full of devilworshippers and homosexuals?
To Africa or South America with their wars and lots of poverty? How should he feel safe and comfortable there?
And what about Iraq, South Korea etc. where as someone suggested Jesus should go. Why should he? There are only a very few Christians. Why should he want to live between Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists?
No America is the only country to go! And we want to be prepared for the day he comes back and welcome him in the country of the brave and godly!
as a O.P said a long haired bearded man from a tribe from the middle-east, with a very liberal view on most things.. Id say if he enters the US he ends up in gitmo.
Hey Shelley, what about a conversion for Jesus? Convert him to a modern American with modern American looks just like you do with Tommy!
One of Jesus’s speechs was to love all of gods creatures and that includes vermin as well surely?
One of the ten commandments is do not murder, killing any living creature is murder.Tristan you should repent for your sins of murdering poor and defenceless creatures.
Why the gun? He dont need it. All he has to do is point the finger and the lord almighty (that’s god not bush) will stike the sinner down.
Whats with the long hair? Dont you think he looks kind of gay? Man it even looks like he is whering a skirt.
I see what you are doing: your are preparing the world for the announcement that you actually are Jesus. In the words of Rev. Ian Brown:
Let me put you in the picture, let me show you what I mean
The messiah is my sister, ain’t no king man, she’s my queen.
Shelly is the Messiah! Get your nail guns out, we’r gonna have us another crucifixion!
Just got off the phone to God, who told me that Jesus’s return to earth’s been postponed. He is too busy buggering Allah at the mo, and they have a family pot of KY, so they’ll be at least anothr week or so.
shelly,
keep it up, your killing me with this kind of humor, and i pee myself about once a day by reading you. but seriously just make sure when HE comes this time he looks a little more south-a-da-border-ish, cuts grass and HIS name is pronounced Hey-soose and you won’t need no “steenking” petitions ’cause the INS will never look HIS way.
This article takes the biscuit – for the sheer stupidity :)
Jesus wouldn’t choose such a crappy gun. Jesus would choose a good reliable quality firearm. Probable Heckler & Koch … the best tool for hunting down bad people.
I just hate to point this at you, but there is a country way more christian than the USA.
Yup, a country exactly 100% christian.
The Vatican.
I mean, Jesus would probably want to live there, you know, with people that love him enough not tu use him as an annoncement for shotguns
“If you had spent any time in the country, you would know that a rifle or shotgun is not a weapon but a means of controling vermin on a ranch.”
Why would Jesus need a shotgun to get rid of vermin? If he can turn water into wine, surely he could render vermin dead without having to use a firearm?
“Do you honestly think that Christ would want to spend time in urban New York or San Fransisco?”
Sure, why not? There are believers and non-believers alike in those cities. Why wouldn’t Jesus want to spend time with those who believe in him as well as with those who don’t believe in him so he could try to convert them?
Tristan, it’s funny how so-called Christians like you, who are supposed to love their neighbor, are actually so full of HATE. Funny and sad.
well I dont know wheter to cry or laugh. you really are some kind of a psycho or a comediant or both I dont know. But dont take me serious because I use linux and I think that USA sucks
Hmmmm, I think that by virtue of the way America treats the varying people of other races from the Blacks to the Arabs, that the US is likely to be the last place that he is likely to even visit. Even if he did, he’d have problems at customs, with your entry restrictions.
Have you ever heard of ‘Turn the other cheek’
Have you ever heard of “Love God and love your neighbour” This is how Jesus summarised the 10 commandments. Your neighbour doesn’t mean the guy across the street, it means the Iranians and Syrians and Iraqis and Afghanis too.
You are so arrogant! I just hope that Jesus can find it in his heart to forgive all the damage that the US has done all over the world. Some good has been done too, maybe he’ll take that into account.
I’m french and I’m astonished!
Everybody know Jesus loves good wine, so it seems obvious to me that it will choose to live in France!
Shelley, think about it!
Ryfe
I can see it now…..Jesus descending from the helicopter gunship, breathing napalm onto the ungodly whilst flinging the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
Actually isn’t that the Governator, Arnie Schwartzeneger?
As for firearms I see the CZ 75 pistol an (ex) godless communist weapon in one hand and an MP5 submachine gun in the other….Tres SWAT chic…..
Repent or else sinner…..
barbara said
Where else should he go? To Europe where more than two third of the population are atheists who don’t give a damn about God and Jesus? Countries full of devilworshippers and homosexuals?
Barbara, please check your facts !
have a look at this (chrsitian) website then come back and try and justify saying that the USA is the most godly country in the world.
http://goodnewschristianministry.org/graph8.htm
Someone else has already commented that the vatican is 100% christian but if you look at the figures you will see that south america does in fact have a higher percentage of christians than north america!
the stats are
Vatican 100%
South America 93.52%
North America 85.35%
Australia, New Zealand 83.39%
Europe 82.64%
Africa 47.96%
Asia & Russia 10.62%
Oh look europe is the foruth most christian nation, I think I’m right in saying 83% is slightly more than a 1/3 from my european education.
If Jesus was to come back I believe that he wouldn’t be a citizen of any one country, he would love all nationalities equally so would be a world citizen.
I believe he would go to the place in most need and that would be the african continent.
No offence Barbara but comments such as yourssimply serve to reinforce the stereotype that americans are dumb which in reality is not true. Step outside your doorstep once in a while and embrace all the culture of the world that god created and learn to love your neighbour.
Your blog is very funny. I like your humor. Your fantasy. It is very comic, the best blog. I laugh very much, thank you !
when christ returns he’s gonna kick some SERIOUS ass so will of course be armed to the teeth, Commando stylie.
Shelley, you’re killing me!
I don’t know if Jesus will come back – who cares? – but Andy Kaufman it is quite sure reading your blog. I hope so… Well… even if you’re serious about all this crap, you’re quite funny nonetheless. Mais au troisi?me degr?.
Shelly, I have been reading your blog over the past couple of days with utter fasination, it has been truly educational. I agree with you that God has blessed the USA and as a result we have a responsiblity to improve the world either by example or by action. However, God created the entire the Earth and conveyed His blessings throughout it. Have you travelled outside the USA to see the world which God has granted us? Perhaps to make a pilgrimage to Israel?
I understand that you are a Church going, God fearing person. Have you consulted with you minister on the task you have undertaken? I would be interested to know if he would participate in the on-going discussions.
Jesus with a gun. That flies right in the face of everything He ever taught. Being satirical is one thing, but if you are serious in what you say, that is deeply offensive and theologically confused.
Hum… I don’t believe in God but…
You are requesting US nationality tu Jesus… Why?
The whole wolrd was made by HIS father (god) and you say that if the SON of the WOLRD OWNER wanted to step on your country wihout name he has to be citizen…
You are really blind, dear Shelley… Really blind
“The USA is the most godly country on earth. Nearly all of the Americans love Jesus…”
Ever been to Poland?
what about Portugal?
The country is very religious, calm, and near the mediterranean sea, and has people with brains. What better place for him to apear :D
ohh my gohod ur so dumb i’ll laugh my self to shreds. jesu wont come back and no sorry but america isnt the chosen cutry dushbag
jesus did not if you didnt know get born in america. and my god jesus loved piece he wouldent use a gun what kind of incohirent moron are you come on. next america law says as far as i know that you have to be maryied or born or at lest have lived in america for them to be american otherwise nazis would start saying hey but i want hitler to be american to
your a total moron!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re so right. Jesus is brilliant isn’t he? He died for our sins you know? I’m sure he’s looking down from heaven now and praising George Dubya for the way he bombs foreign countries and keeps people locked up for years without charge. He was a big fan of Hitler too.
Jesus holding a gun…it’s not even funny. And Tristan’s comment about a shotgun being used to control vermin on a ranch…obviously he’s never been out in the backwoods country. Oh yeah, one of my friends was KILLED with a shotgun. On a ranch. Shot in the face. Definitely wasn’t being used to control vermin in that instance. True, people kill people, but why hold a gun unless you have the intent to destroy something, be it living or inanimate? So, Jesus, being a teacher of peace and harmony, I firmly believe would never hold a gun. He would have no reason to if he were going to be setting an example of peace.
Only an American would be mindless enough to depict this and proudly show it and throw defensive jabber at those who say it’s wrong….makes me once again sad that this country is going so far downhill, as far as culture goes, at the very least.
what makes you think the US government is going to grant citizenship to someone who doesn’t physically exist, when it takes real people 20 years and many thousands of dollars to obtain citizenship? and you call immigration officers overeager, but yet your party wants to build walls to keep immigrants out and wants to send all of the illegals back? like a typical conservative, you make no sense at all.
it amazes me how “christians” claim to be following the bible, yet decide it is their right to judge others. please show me where in the Bible it allows you to judge others. if you were a true christian, you wouldn’t be judging anyone. the Lord, whom you profess to be so obedient to, is the one who judges, and he is quite capable of doing it himself, thank you very much.
i find the picture in this post very conflicting. Jesus surely would not be walking around with a double-barreled shotgun if he existed today. he, like true christians who follow his message, are peaceful, non-judgmental people.
the problem with people like you is that you’re just as guilty of he same offense as the people we are fighting in the Middle East. like them, you are fundamentalists who choose to interpret the word of God for your own devices and purposes, not for how it is actually intended.
If you were truly American, you wouldnt be seeking a “war against whiny liberals,” but trying to make our country stronger by bringing everyone together. you’re an idiot and a bigot.
oh, and Jesus was a liberal.
Please add the website http://revoluti0n.net to your enemies list. We will be glad to be enemies with anyone who spreads a message of hate and ignorance like your own.
i don’t know about citizenship….i think a temporary work visa should do the trick.
also i think most of the people that post here are drunk or on drugs. jesus would not approve.
(poeple….the gun is a visual metaphor for faith)
i love your blog. Keep it up!!!
For all the stupid people who agreed with shelly, go see the Davinci Code. Better yet read your Bible more…. Because you all use to back your fantasies of being the pure chosen race. Religion has done what it was intended to do, divide and conquer. You people are idiots spiritually. WEEK minded and does not deserve the grace of anyone especially God. And i will qoute one of my favorite sayings of the bible or bab el for those who know, ” And the devil shall come in my name and deceive many”. Why don’t you blind faithers ponder on that.. Shelly i know you got a good laugh out of this…
Good day or should i say Amen or Amon as is Ra…..
Its says in the Bible that when JESUS comes back to earth he will set his feet at Mount Olives in Israel. Read ur Bible before making claims like this!!!
But this blog is FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!
U cant belive this seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its only made to provoke and have fun??!!!!!!!!!! if not u really need HELP!!!
Tessa> Surely your friend was a filthy heathen liberal intruding the lands of a good god-fearing republican, in which case I suppose Tristan would count your friend as vermin.
My Sweet Shelly:
R U Smoke some marihuana?
invite me!
“The Devil”
p.d. Jesus Blocked Me People!!!
First he had to give up his German citizenship. Yes, Jesus is German. Adolf Hitler says he is. And everything Hitler said was true! So Jesus is German!
What incredible dry wit here. This is the absolute most hilarious thing I have read in a long time.
Even the posts here that seem like they’re taking this seriously, they couldn’t be could they?
LOLOLOL, lol…
Oh, my, very funny.
Thanks
well, technically, if God had a chosen country it’d be Israel, but anyway…
For all the stupid people who agreed with shelly, go see the Davinci Code. Sorry, but that Davinci Code is a total crock of. It’s just badly writtten drivel. I don’t need 2nd class opportunists liek Dan Brown to tell me about Christianity, Mother Nature has blessed me with a brain that is far superior than this bonsai-talented scamster.
That’s it. shelleytherepublican.com is now my favorite website. This is simply… Well… I really don’t know what it is… Not even funny… Just so stupid! : D
Wow! What bible do you read?!
REV22:12
“Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. 13I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
14″Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. 15Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
Dear Shelley
I fear I must disagree with you and proclaim Oztralia as God’s own country. We are also 15-18 hours AHEAD of the US of A, so Jesus will drop in here on his return to Earth while you guys are still wondering what to have for breakfast the day before!
But don’t worry – our Prime Minister sits on Gee Dubbya’s left hand in the Coalition of the Willing.
We will throw a coupla extra prawns [shrimps] on the Barbie for him before a crash course in crocodile wrestling and the correct enunciation of ” Crikey ” before we send him on to you.
He will thus be eminently prepared to deal with that Capital ‘L’ liberal opposition.
Croc Hunter
I think, he will go to the USA, too.
I think, he would choose the country,
that kills thousands of people in his
name. I think, he would correct the
understandig of his words and his
ideas, and people, that belive in
“God said, the USA have to bomb other
countries” are religious extremists
and no christs. Jesus said, you must
not kill anybody… or does he mean
you must not kill any american? :-/
The thing is, Jesus stands for freedom
and peace, and that’s defenitly not,
what the USA stands for. If Jesus
would say, you shouldn’t hate anyone,
even if he isn’t american, most of the
americans wouldn’t be christs anymore.
Religion is a wonderful shield that
protects you whatever you do, cause
“god wants it!”.
And I’m sure, if he will come as an
black, gay communist (a human!), the
USA will be the one, who puts him on
his cross, doesn’t matter, what he
has to say.
God bless america………. (cause
they don’t know, what they do….)
“well, technically, if God had a chosen country it’d be Israel, but anyway…”
In Jesus’s time Israel was the place where God’s chosen people all lived. What would have been the point in Jesus appearing in pagan Northern Europe? They believed in Norse Gods and wore furry-hats with horns, hardly the most receptive people to receive the Lord’s message.
Today, America is the most spiritual nation on Earth. We have been waiting for Christs return for two milennia, and he has given us signs that he will be returning soon!
=========
“What would have been the point in Jesus appearing in pagan Northern Europe? They believed in Norse Gods and wore furry-hats with horns”
=========
Daniel Boone wore a furry hat too. Except his had a tail.
Jesus won’t ncessarily need US Citizenship when He returns. The Panacea Society has reserved number 18 Albany Road, Bedford, MK40, to be His earthly abode should he need one. And if you think I’m being satirical, check it out!
Is that England? Hahaha!!!
As if Jesus would go to England!
Never I tell you! Never!
Well, you’ve already got satan living in the US, so it would make perfect sense to invite Jesus Fucking Christ to the party as well. Satan being Tom Cruise, not the mighty Bush.
“Sorry, but that Davinci Code is a total crock of. It’s just badly writtten drivel. I don’t need 2nd class opportunists liek Dan Brown to tell me about Christianity, Mother Nature has blessed me with a brain that is far superior than this bonsai-talented scamster.”
Opinions, opinions obvisouly i struck a nerve in you, if you want to insult people. Mother nature is a God made. God also created the heavens and the earth and humans. So technically God gave you the brain.But i do know of you people who worship Gia or mother Earth. God said though shall have no other God before me. So to give mother earth credit for what God has given you is rediculous. Scamster a little harsh don’t you think. The truth shall prevail. And as far as your brain goes maybe it is poluted just like mother nature who gave it to you, and maybe that is why your brain isn’t functioning right. You wouldn’t recognize Jesus if he stood next to you…
Good day.
The son of God does not require citizenship. He will be recongized where ever he will walk. He will have thought about every possibility, so a petition will be useless.
Besides, if someone can prove that he is indeed Jesus Christ, son of God, then he will get citizenship, even if eventually he turns out to have been lying for his own reasons. And that means you have given citizenship to someone who did not deserve it.
Please be careful on how you give citizenships to people, you wouldn’t want to give it to the wrong people.
Americans have been waiting for Christ’s return for two millenia even though the first pilgrims to set foot on what would become the USA did so only in 1620 (IIRC), now that’s quite a trick to accomplish, a miracle indeed, which proves that americans are truly the God-chosen people.
All i can hope is that you are infertile, because no child deserves to have to carry your genes.
There is a saying that states: “stupidity is far more dangerous than evil” – You and Bush are the living proof!
“Today, America is the most spiritual nation on Earth. We have been waiting for Christs return for two milennia, and he has given us signs that he will be returning soon!”
AMERICA IS NOT ONLY USA, AMERICA IS NOT A NATION ITS A CONTINENT!
lol its funny, ppl from USA believe they OWN the continent =D!!
Christ is already here you idiots
Actually, my friend was a republican, you idiot…show a little respect.
How would we recodgnize him?
The bible doesnt have a big description of him, alls we would know is that hes full of holes and has a funny hat. Alot of paintings form the middle ages suggest hes a tall scrawnny white guy, but hose were made like 500 years after he died. For alls we know hes probably a short bald black guy with peircings and a mohawk.
sincerly
confused christian.
ps
if he did come to the states itll be a smart-ass answer for the jahova whitnesses who always ask me if i found jesus
Lets see….
Jesus said he comes back to solve and rescue the menkind.
Like mostly of the good-God-Trusting peoples here are saying: He have to come first to the USA.
Are you so shure that its not a little bit absurde on your beliving in beeing GodsOwnCountry?
Is Jesus not awaited in a situation , messed up in Terror and Hate, initiated by Satan?
Do you realy think he has a lot time to make Party with you, drinkin a lot of holy Wine with you like beeing a Filstar?
He have to come to feed the hungry. OK, in USA a lot of Children are badly nutred, right.
Thats a good reason for him, probably to look in the USA.
Now, serious: Your believing ist telling you to look at you as a part of GODs property, not to make God to a property of your own.
Its even clear for me, an atheistik liberal guy that you are more a-way from God as i.
If there is a God: he will be found in Love, not in your fear on evreything, and not in your terribel vanity, Folks!
I am sorry for my Orthographie and Grammar.
Please forgive me :)
Peter K.
“In Jesus’s time Israel was the place where God’s chosen people all lived. What would have been the point in Jesus appearing in pagan Northern Europe? They believed in Norse Gods and wore furry-hats with horns, hardly the most receptive people to receive the Lord’s message.”
—-
Gah, try studying your bible. God chose Abraham’s decendants (the Israelites) to be his chosen people. And he stated that the Messiah (Jesus) would come out of these ppl as well. No where in the Bible (or Torah) does it say that God made any other nation his ‘chosen people’ (dont think that because he’s ‘focusing’ more on Christians currently that Jewish people that he’s suddenly changed his loyalties. Salvation initially came from through the Jewish faith, its currently through the Christian faith, and once the Rapture comes it’ll once again come from the Jewish faith)). Don’t let your patriotism blind you to the facts :p
btw, America may be one of the largest ’spiritual’ centres in the world (looking at a more general interpretation of ’spiritual’), but in terms of a population of true Christians (ie, those who actually try to follow the faith and not those who simply tick the ‘christian’ block on census forms merely because they dont fall into other religious groups) I wouldnt rank them so high.
Da Vinci Code star Tom Hanks has said the film of Dan Brown’s controversial best-seller is just “a good story” that should not be taken too seriously.
Tom Hanks has told London’s Evening Standard newspaper that “the Da Vinci Code” was loaded with “hooey” and “nonsense”.
“If you are going to take any sort of movie at face value, particularly a huge-budget motion picture like this, you’d be making a very big mistake.”
Do you actually think i am taking the movie at face value. That is not possible because it will not be released until the 19th… Do your research instead of just believing. Maybe it is you who is making the mistake. One again i will quote the bible and say… The devil shall come in my name and decieve many…. That is only possible through religion…. Do your homework you blind faithers
Do your research instead of just believing.
That’s a bit ironic coming from a religious nut. Do some research into the Bible/Christianity and you will find that they too, are loaded with “hooey” and “nonsense”.
Jesus would not have anything to do with guns you mouth breather. I hardly think he will visit the united states at all, let alone any of the “G-7″, mostly bcause you wage a war/s in his name when he would have nothing to do war period. With the exception of some of its citezens the united states is self serving, godless nation that is quckly falling away to a “has been” nation. an empire ( and I use the term loosely) that exsisted for a total of 56 years. The shortest empire (hehe) to have existed to dated. Oh yes, enjoy your fear media. THE Bird Virus is coming!!! The Bird Virus IS COMING! lol.
*INS agent walks up to Jesus*
“I need to see some identification, sir.”
*Jesus waves his hand through the air*
“I am a citizen, friend.”
*INS agent’s eyes glaze over*
“You’re a citizen. Have a good day.”
*INS agent walks away as Jesus pulls up his hood*
That’s right; Jesus is a Jedi.
“”That’s a bit ironic coming from a religious nut. Do some research into the Bible/Christianity and you will find that they too, are loaded with “hooey” and “nonsense”. “”
Tisk Tisk Tisk turkey. Just because i qoute the bible that does not mean i am a religious nut. Actualy far from it because i have read and studied it along with other religious propaganda. It is funny how you jive turkey can assumes someone’s religious beliefs based on qoutes. Maybe your brain was left back at christmas jive turkey. Use your brain
Good day
Mother nature is a God made. God also created the heavens and the earth and humans etc etc etc shows you believe there is a god. That makes you religious. The fact that you contradict yourelf every other sentence makes you a nut. ergo, you’re a religious nut.
the jesus concept was created by the concile of Nicea in the fourth century, under a lot of political and theological pressure.
so, why would a fairytale choose to reside in a country that’s on the edge of faillisement, uses it’s nuclear waste as weaponry and lets it’s own civilians live under “survival of the fittest”-ruling?
***a humble Belgian***
pope go hang yourself……. I am comfortable with myself so find someone else to try and manipulate….. Perception is everything…… if you percieve it that way so be it…. but i wouldn’t expect more from a looser with the name pope on a rope….. :)
As we all know, our Lord and Savior will come down from Heaven to save mankind. Surely he will come to the USA first, since this is God’s chosen country.
I have read the Bible thoroughly, yet I see no reference that the USA was Jesus’s chosen country. In fact, USA was did not even exist during that period of history.
Therefore to give him legal status in America we need to grant him the US-Citizenship!
We can not let him walk around as illegal immigrant and possible be arrested by overeager officers of the department of ‘US Citizenship and Immigration Services’!
This is heresy.
I suspect that many of my dear visitors will again suspect that this article is satirical, but I can assure you this is not the case. Whatever you believe, please consider signing this PETITION!
You shall have to jump off of a cliff to prove to me that this is not satire. In any case, I shall not sign this petition, because he will most likely appear near his original birthplace.
You shall have to jump off of a cliff to prove to me that this is not satire. In any case, I shall not sign this petition, because he will most likely appear near his original birthplace.
Like Shelley and I have said on many previous occasions, this is not a satirical website. We are aware of many fake-Christian sites that are run by liberals and this is not one of them. If you are looking for that kind of thing you have come to the wrong place. We are truly sorry.
On the other hand, if you are looking for a sober debate about the current threats to the American way, please join our debate. Shelley believes in freedom of speech, so we will not censor your point of view even if you are an insane anti-American liberal.
In any case, how do you claim to know so much about where Christ will appear when he returns to Earth? Shelley has offered some excellent and plausible reasons why America is Christ’s #1 country. Can you back up your own claims about where our Lord will return?
God Bless,
Tristan
I completely agree with the spanish inquisition, in everything what he said, but mostly in his last point: “You shall have to jump off of a cliff to prove to me that this is not satire.”
I don’t know how anyone can think this site is satirical. Shelley and Tristan speak from so mant people’s hearts, you couldn’t make it up. I was quite depressed and suicidal, until I came across this site. Keep up teh work. Here is another soul you’ve saved. God bless you!
Jesus!! Come to Australia!!! We have sunny weather!!!
@tristan and regarding shellys arguments on why Jesus should chose the US:
READ THE BIBLE for gods sake.
While writing this, maybe you’re right, he will be reborn in the US, do you know why?
because it’s there where he has to teach the people on how terribly wrong they understood him and what he taught.
kind regards
You are not God, I am God. I know because Jesus doesn’t drink beer, he drinks red wine.
haha
you stupid moron
jesus drunk red wine in israel because there was no beer, but in hell there is everything you want to drink and smoke including the mighty beer.
tel me whos god now , muhahhahahaha
You twat. I’ll prove to you I am god. I have just started growing a tumour on your brain. Oh hold on, you haven’t got one. I’ll put one on your colon instead. There you go. I’ll give you 3 months, and then you’ll spend eternity in purgatory, cos you’re too simple to be bad enough to go to hell, and you’re far too stupid for heaven.
I see what you mean – last time he suffered by the cross, this time he sufferes by being american. Comprable, considering this site, definitly comprable.
…hey dreamers! The time for religions is over!!!The new generation of God?s chosen ones belong to so called spiritual or esoteric groups! They know about the truth!Go there and ask them, they will tell you that they are the only ones who can save this country, the earth, the universe or whatever you like. They have enlightment and you are far far away from such a state of being. All your religious ambitions are rubish. What you need is meditation and then may be after twenty years you will able to see what is real.What you see now is only an illusion and you are part of it. But nevertheless have a super fantastic time in your “we belong to Jesus Disney World”…
Hi ,
I’m just passing by and should let this be,
but thats too hard. Lol. please… for His sake, for your sake.
Stop embarassing yourselves.. all of you .. :D
Thanx 4 da laughs, tho.
Djeez.. ( using Debian / GNU )
you are an insane anti-American liberal.
Your small efforts to create a coherent thought has failed. It is obvious to me that you have one “master defence,” which you use in order to condemn anthing that you disagree with, because you do not have the mental capicity to think up something else. I realize that your dogmatic views blind you to any facts or opinions that you disagree with, but this is pure idiocy.
In any case, how do you claim to know so much about where Christ will appear when he returns to Earth? Shelley has offered some excellent and plausible reasons why America is Christ’s #1 country. Can you back up your own claims about where our Lord will return?
The amount of “plausible reasons” are very small, and I have seen no “excellent reasons” at all. Also, how could you possibly believe that the USA is God’s chosen country? Neither God nor Jesus would show favouritism, so I would assume that he would choose somewhere entirely random. He would most likely appear in his original birthplace because he will be “born again” so we must assume that he would want to return to his original place of birth. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out (or does it?)
Jesus can’t come in the USA, he probably doesn’t even speak english !
I think he’d try to find a country where aramean is still spoken, and as he won’t, he’ll go back to heaven ;)
This must be one of the most hilarous websites. Im sure Shelly must be writing this and just laughing at all the libs that are taking this website seriously. C’mon people..dont waste time explaining urselves. You cant argue with the fact that this website has been the best entertainment blog site out there..Shelly congrats for getting so many hits. Im sure SNL will take notice next…HAHAHA. You made my day!!
ooohhhhhh Jesus is coming!!! And he is gonnaa save all the repubs. Others can burn in hell.. ooooohhh
Oh, Dear… this site is utter pain and sadness to read. We should pray. A lot. Maybe the Lord will find some mercy on us.
God bless you all!
U r a tipical american idiot! It’s not funny at all, you lack the sense humor. Why do you belive america is greater than any other nation and country? Fools.
Sometimes I ask myself what happened to your brain, shelley?
You have no idea how much the image of Christ with a Winchester pains me…
Okay, Shelley; here’s a hypothetical question:
It has been alleged that 43 million babies have been murdered in America since the Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court ruling on January 22, 1973. Would you care to explain to all of us why Christ would choose, as the destination for His second coming; a nation that is swimming in the blood of her murdered children?
Either this site is some of the funniest material to I’ve come across , and has been created to ridicule the fascist,redneck america… or I’ve stumbled across the sickest group of people I’ve ever seen.
On November 2005, 24 UNARMED CIVILIANS were brutally murdered in Iraq, including mothers and children. The United States has economically supported some of the most terrible genocide’s/dictator’s coup d”etats in Latin America and Africa. Some of the greatest companies in the US go abroad to benifit from CHILD LABOR in poor countries… ETC…ETC..ETC…
If Jesus ever does comes down to Earth, he won’t have to think twice before deciding NOT to get near the USA.
HOW DARE YOU POST A PICTURE OF JESUS WITH A GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you absolutely ridiculous woman. where in the bible does it say that america is gods chosen country? have you heard of the vatican???? the pope??? (you do know hes german dont you?) i doubt jesus would want to come down to this world anyway bbeing so full of sin as it is, and that includes america. i think any person arrogant enough to assume they are going to heavan and that their country is perfect, would not be welcome in the arms of the lord.
Have it ever occured to you that you might have been brought up in a community with very little knowledge about how things really are? I mean, if you just hang out with nazi’s even hitler would start to look ok after a while(im not calling you a nazi btw)
I dont get how you can say the usa is jesus chosen, but since you probably have heard that since you where a little girl it might make sense to you. For me, a non beleiver, jesus was a jew who really should ask for israeli citizenship. (and no i dont have anything against jews either)
It’s not the question, which nation is the greatest, to be worth it to give residence to jesus. It’s the question, which nation needs him most to start acting on earth now. So … . I guess those poeple in Bedford know, what is to do.
Great blog!
I can hardly believe some of the stuff I read here. If some of this is the basic mental frame of mind of the world… we are seriously in deep trouble. God have mercy on all of us!!!
You are one dumb bitch.
Eat shit.
Hmmm… I think, for Jesus to choose the USA first, he would be looking for a preferential deal on travel and accomodation. Somewhere that takes American Express too.
Also, does he have to use the name “Jesus” on his passport? I mean, that’s a Mexican name, not a Jewish one.
And he hasn’t used the Winchester you pictured him with in ages. It’s a Kalashnikov now. Hope that will be OK.
If the deal is on, get your people to talk to his people, OK?
Thanks
White trash christianity.
You are an idiot! USA was God’s country just like Europe used to be. As you know Europe is very corrupt with gays, Liberals and Atheism. God had moved on to South America after Europe and He converted millions of South Americans from idol worshippers to Catholicism and they to became corrupted by the Masons. After He seen this happen He moved up to USA and of course all the hippies from the 60’s and 70’s started the downfall of Christianity now He has moved on to Asia and He will move on again and come down and judge everyone in a split second. 75% of the population will die, half going to Heaven and the other to Hell. So please stop this nonsense of God choosing USA first when you know that all people are equal in God?¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?ɬ¥s eyes. And this picture you have is from a very Liberal website but yet you have this comment on the top of your site ?¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?ɬ?”If liberal democ-rats suspend their?¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?Ǭ??¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?ɬ? so who do you support?
Just to participate in this funny satire:
Maybe Jesus would really come to the USA first… because that\’s where he\’s got most work to do!
XD
(I really believed \”Shelley\” was serious until I found out the truth…)
What are you talking about? What truth? Of course this website is serious!
Shelley
you do know that jesus was a refugee his whole life dont you?
There is no way your site, this silly petition, nor YOU are real. No one on the planet can be so wholly detached from reality and still keep a straight face unless they were chronically delusional. It would be best to just come out and say that your site is a joke before some people actually start believing the nonsense you and your imaginary friends have written.
If your site IS a joke, then I must say congratulations…you’ve written one of the funniest troll sites I’ve read in many years…ignorance, intolerance, hatred, and Bible-thumping, all with perfect execution that is only surpassed by someone who actually IS ignorant, intolerant, full of hatred, and a Bible-thumper.
That Jesus with a gun picture rocks. Everyone knows Jesus is a badass. :)
I congratulate you on this wonderful thought, although I believe it is a little misguided.
We all know Jesus will be born in the United States, to a wealthy southern oil family. He was Amercian the last time he walked the Earth and he will be again soon.
If you look carefully into it, you will start to notice that the so called ‘Holy Land’ and the forged biblical history is a liberal conspiracy, much like New Zealand.
first of all, BOOOOOOOO, what is your problem. If you believe this, you suck. If you don’t and this is all a very elaborate joke, bravo, but I still do not like you because you said that Kenny Hotz from the Kenny VS. Spenny show is ungodly and a terrible person. Even if its a joke, you went too far, NOT FUNNY. KENNY IS THE MAN!!!
Heh heh…
Hysterical!!! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time!
Um…this is a joke…right?
Please tell me this is a joke.
You are nuts! Don’t you know that Jesus Christ has absolutely no need to obtain U.S. citizenship????!!!! He is Jesus Christ!!!! He is coming back whether the Muslims, Atheist, Buddhists, etc. like it or not! “Every knee will bow … and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord”. (Philippians 2:10-11). There will be no ifs, ands or buts about it! Some will be bowing out of joyful hearts while others will be unwilling to do so. But, absolutely no one is able to behold the glory of the Lord! But, it certainly will be revealed on this glorious day! It is clearly addressed through the passage I had just posted to you. Thank you oh so much for taking the time to read my post!!!!! :-) I TRULY appreciate you for allowing me to voice my opinion on this subject. As you have read my post, I hope my reason for not “signing the petition”, (so to speak) was made clear to you. Be blessed richly!
Jesus was an Arab guy! He was brown, and this is one of the most stupid site, I’ve visited.
amen to that jesus g
and shelley you stupid bitch america is not gods country you idiot. go back to school you fuckin idiot.
people this is what happens when bitches like shelley are home schooled.