Homosexuality : Operation Conversion : New Clothing
As promised, here is the report on the first week of, what I hope to be, a successful gay conversion. I have not illusions, it will be a difficult task. All the more I know that is true after I saw Tommy’s clothes. In the first week, as you know, I will show this poor boy how to dress like a real man. He agreed to let me throw away all clothes that are unsuitable to be worn by a God fearing, upstanding Christian. And that is really all you can do, throw the stuff away. Among others he owned a complete collection of “thongs”, really not more than some dental floss and a small patch of fabric. Just shameful. Believe it or not, he also had one of those very tight, red latex body suits and some kind of female bathing suit (pictures below). Gay persons wear that kind of outfits in order to be able to spot each other, but since he will not be gay anymore in a couple of weeks, this won’t be necessary anymore. We also agreed that he will not wear any kind of jewelry, including piercings. I was shocked to learn that he was having piercings on his belly button and even some more ‘private’ areas on his body. I explained to him that he is degrading his body by damaging his God given body this way. He has promised never to do it anymore.
Red Latex Body Suits are very popular in gay communities
This is the kind of outfit Tommy was wearing at the lake. Not anymore!
Of course he can not walk around naked so, we went shopping. He was determined to go to some gay outfitter. He said that they also have ‘normal’ stuff, but I told him that it is not desirable for a man to be seen in even one mile radius of such a store. So we went to the local Walmart Supercenter. The have a great selection of good Godly clothes, similar to those on the images below. Since Tommy really likes to wear hats I have agreed to let him wear a John Deere cap. An absolute must have for every real man in Iowa! Well, so far so good. Tommy feels very comfortable in his new outfit and he is now one step closer to a Godly lifestyle! I am very confident that he will reach his goals to resist the homosexual urges with God’s endless love for all his children.
The John Deere Cap : Proudly proclaiming the full Manlyhood
Shirt and Hat, Iowa Style : Great Quality, low Price
At this point I want to thank you Tommy, for letting me help you and thank you for your courage. I am truly privileged to know you and I value you very much as my friend and church brother. Together we can make it happen.
God bless you, Tommy. And may God bless you all,
Shelley The Republican
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I love it! This is the best Republican parody site I have ever seen. It has all of the silliest things you see in facist media all in one place, and it’s carried off so well, you could almost believe it was real, but this article was a dead give-away that it was fake, what with shopping at Walmart of all places. My complements to the creator!
Thanks for the kind comment, but it is real.
Don’t you shop at Walmart? It’s a fantastic store with great prices and the true American spirit!!!
Anyway, wish us luck. The conversion is not an easy task.
Yours truly,
Shelley
Shelley, how can you do this? God loves all his children (which includes also gay one’s) and never ever should you play ‘God’ and ‘transform’ one of his creatures!
You aren’t God. If God wouldn’t wanted Tommy not to be gay he wouldn’t be!
Hi, what about Bird Flu – do you have any views on that?
I just love your blog. For us Europeans, do you run themed tours of the US heartlands where we could meet real people like you?
Gay people are also good patriot !
Exellent, it warms my heart to read this.
I wonder what kind of measures you would have undertaken if Tommy would not be this co-operative.
And i really think the Free Speech Zone was great. Just the right place for those who…
Well, ones who need such a place. :)
Since your fantastic progress on Tommy, i think you should start to convert more of his kind.
Keep it up
Oh, the fun…
You know, it’s a cardinal sin to be judgemental, and God is the only judge there shall ever be. Everyone will be measured and judged when they die.
Thankyou, Shelley, for your ingorance, and as we all know…
Ignorance is bliss. :)
Yet further welcome evidence, as if any more was needed, that being gay is wrong.
Shelley, did you remeber proper boots? Is he still wearing high heels, like european truck-drivers?
Darling Shelley, one of your links is defective:
Wake up walmart has a typo in it, and it doesn’t work!
dear shelley
i hereby declare you are a repressed lesbian, no amount of denial will change this. good luck overcoming/accepting your problem
Great effort Shelley, good luck ! The clothes make us what we are ! I wonder if the gayness comes from the clothes parents pick for their children ? If only more parents would see the light of God in form of righteous garments, symbolizing the man’s unity with the earth they reap.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OMFG
this is the funniest side ive ever seen in my life! MUWHAHAHAHA
besides im a gay, atheist, german nazi!!! omfg god.. to many sick people in your country dude. leftwing extremist..hahaha how about the right wing extremists??
You guys definetly insain!
Greetz from Nazi – Deutschland.. lmao
dear Shelley!
i was gay but your articles appointed that i was wrong and must quit with it.
i’m changed my clothes and go to church every day to ask god to help me out.
or am I late with that? i’m 45.
Hi.
No, I don’t think it’s too late for you.
If you have love for God in your heart and honestly regret your previous lifestyle, God will find it in his heart to forgive your sins.
God bless you,
Shelley
You Ugly Ugly American
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/04/16/wtour16.xml&sSheet=/news/2006/04/16/ixworld.html
thank you shelley for sucha good christian. It is all our duties to embrace people who have been lead astray by the devil (the democ-rats) into beliving that it is somehow cool or natural & right to be a gay. If it was wouldn’t god have sent his only child down to us as a gay? No of course he didn’t, jesus was a real man who if he had been alive today would be wearing just such clothes as you described and watch john wayne movies. He would probably be something similar to our great president, he would definately live in texas. Wait! You…you don’t think that maybe jesus has returned? I mean could he in fact be george bush? thinking about it it all fits doesn’t it. George says that god speaks to him, god has never spoken to me but surely he would speak to his own son.
Let’s hope so.
ps do you think we should lobby our representatives to see if we can change the constitution so george could run for a third or more term. That would be great :o)I think george should be president for life as they simply couldn’t be anyone who could be better.
thank you shelley
Please keep up the good work
Hi Shelley,
perhaps I could offer you a little advice since I used to be involved with a “gay” lifestyle.
The image you have used of the Walmart shirt suggests that you may have purchased a checked shirt for your friend. I must tell you that a checked shirt is also typical “gay” clothing. I believe this harks back to lumberjacks who without women practised unnatural behaviours. The English Monty Python people revealed this in their disgusting Lumberjack song. Tommy should on no account be dressed in such an item as some “gays” may well see this as a sign that he is available.
Also I’d like to point out that while it is commendable that you have gone into Tommy’s underwear, you should ensure that he wear loose fitting boxer shorts. Tight fitting underwear can cause rubbing and provide unnatural stimulation whilst walking along. This can be seen in the way some homosexualists swish their hips when walking along.
I’d also point out that Tommy’s red latex top also features the Swiss flag – a clear sign of his previous European sympathies. Be on your guard for other European coded signals in his clothing and environment.
He is probably not even be aware of these subtle signals so don’t feel that he is back sliding or trying to get away with holding on to his perverted ways without you noticing.
Always remember God is love. Even to the vile sodomites.
I love this blog!! But you should be careful, what if you are a repressed homosexual and end up in bed with Tommy? I think I`m right!
Sorry, we could also say you’re racist !
let them do what they want, man !
being Gay is as interresting as being anybody else….
hey shelley shut up just a moment please.
Hi Shelley,
I thought you might like to know about a quiet Christian revolution which is taking place in London’s East End. Eighteen months ago, a group of devout Christian women, concerned at the rising tide of sodomy and liberalism, established ‘Fellators 4 Jesus’ (F4J) offering succour and redemption to all homosexualists who sought it. They reasoned that since God had given women feminine hands and tongues, and homosexualists had certainly not found communion in them, it was about time that someone, namely F4J, confronted this problem, i.e. the absence of communion, head-on.
Consequently, F4J invited Soho’s infamous West End Gays to F4J’s East End Churches. The event proved to be a huge success. Since the initial campaign, a large number of previously unknown East End homosexualists have made themselves known to F4J and local congregations have reported a ten-fold increase in attendance. Additionly, many who have found succour in F4J have since vowed to turn their backs on homosexuality.
This campaign would, I am sure, meet with similar success in Iowa.
With regard to Tommy, I also suggest that you practise ‘Fellate-a-Gay-a-Day Therapy’ (see the F4J website). I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at his reaction.
Good luck and God bless.
Why are you trying to stop someone being gay? That is a major breach of the constitution, and his right to pursue happiness! Wait – you mean the OTHER gay?
Oh, right, yes, you are following Jesus’s commandments to be judgemental and force your views of others, as well as being hateful towards others and acting as if you have the god given power to send people to hell or heaven.
As a Christian Republican, I think it would be helpful of you to follow the true teachings of Jesus, and not to judge others – only god may do that.
I have yet to decide if you are a truly gifted satirist or if you truly believe your own drivel. I tend to prefer the former answer, as it implies that you truly have a modicum of working gray matter.
Shelley,
You have shown me the error of my ways. I had never realised until now that my “faggy” English accent was so very very gay here in the good old USA. I was confused by the plethora of American women, who, when not confusing it for Australian, insisted on “getting to know me better”.
All along I had assumed the sex was because the accent was “cute” but all along they were simply peforming their Christian duty by trying to turn me from the ungodly hell of gayness. I salute all these women who gave their all, frequently and I now see in so degrading and inventive a set of manners to save me from myself.
Of course I should have realised, having been the product of an English boarding school upbringing that my accent defines me as a shirt lifting, up hill gardening, poo pushing, nancy gay boy.
I now know I must eschew my sordid past and cleave only to American women within the natural confines of a multiply loving relationship.
God bless you Shelley and the utterings you bring us all.
Dear Shelley,
all this makes me wonder how you feel about church functionaries molesting children.
I for one hope you fail as he is one hell of a hunk-o man!
Do you have his phone number? I’ d show him the error of his ways.
Also you should ebay that red top it’s well sexy!
p.s. you sure he didn’t ask for your help because he mistook you for a man?
Pedra said… I love this blog!! But you sho… Pedra hat gesagt…
I love this blog!! But you should be careful, what if you are a repressed homosexual and end up in bed with Tommy? I think I`m right!
Sorry Pedra, but there is a misunderstanding. My dear friend Shelley is a woman not a man. If she was a homosexual she would prefer other women. You don’t want to imply that Tommy is a transsexual lesbian, do you?
Shelley, I’ve seen Tommy yesterday in the neighborhood and he made quite an impression. Everyone loves his outfit and is really curious on how you will turn him straight eventually. Also some ladies seem to have taken quite a liking in him. It shouldn’t be too hard to find a decent Christian girl to marry him.
Tommy is also really looking forward to your next session, he is quite eager to learn how to speak and act ‘straight’.
Once again I would like to thank you and share the impression that each and everyone in our neighborhood has about you. You are truly one amazing woman and we are proud that we know you.
Your friend,
Barbara
PS: Shelley does not force Tommy to become straight, Tommy himself has recognizes his sinful behaviour and asked Shelley to help him get over it. And of course Shelley will help him, she’s always willing to help people not as fortunate as herself!
i know qsome gay people , but they don’t waer thesse things…
Don’t do it, Shelley!
God clearly didn’t want this creature in the gene pool, hence his homosexuality. Limp wrists can’t wield a rifle. We’ll end up a defenceless nation if these creatures are allowed to breed.
He’ll simply create second- and third- generation homos. We’ll end up with a completely gay world then.
Don’t mess with God’s almighty and righteous decisions like this. Only God knows what is best for His gene pool.
If anybody here took the time to look in the dictionary for the Word Idiot: They would see a picture of Shelley the Retardublican
wtf???this is the funniest site i?ve ever seen in my life!ta shelley,my day was quite crappy up to now but this definately makes me laugh for the rest of the week=)poor little girl,your so brainwashed by uncle georgie and his slaves as anyone could possibly be!many people told me,but i never truly believed that there are people like u in “lovely” america,now i see i was wrong.anyway i?m glad to be a european(btw i?m a german my darling:P ).how can you criticize germans for a war that was ages ago (and startet by an AUSTRIAN not by a german)if your own country kills millions of people just for oil,or pollutes the environment like no other country in the world!?i hate george bush and the us-american government,but i would never say that i hate americans,cuz there are so many people who dont eat all the crap given by the media and your president,but THINK(a word that u obviously cant even spell)about it,and realize that its all about oil,power and money!i dont believe thats gods will.i could start to tell u my opinion about gays,but i think u can guess.YOU MAKE ME SICK
Shelley, you are right [correct] in making his clothing your first priority.
There is this young gay, Daffyd, in our village who wears just such a red rubber pantsuit!! I am sure if we could just get him to wear normal clothes he would see the error of his Homosexualist ways and join us ‘normal’ majority.
Myfanwy
90% of the items you buy in a wallmart are made by children in china under the adge of 15, making the United States equivlent of 16 cents an hour. Of course, it is a communist country so food and housing is already provided for them (supposedly).
Just thought I should inform you of that.
-Owning a computer that boots Linux, Mac OS X Tiger, and Windows XP
Mike
Shelley … you are so misguided … it’s sad. Jesus himself would be ashamed of you, and if he came back on the earth, you would be amongst the first ones to crucify him again.
Fool.
holy cow,,,
yeah shelley, god is truly smilling upon you. when you arrive at the heavens, He’ll have fourty gay-virgins waiting for you.
does heaven have a wallmart? and are all the grocerybaggers gay?
i hope so for you shelley;-)
go get them!
Holy cats! You’re crazy! This entire site is a parody…or is it just bullcrap? If God existed, he’d love everyone. Not like your judgmentalist crap. Being gay is perfectly natural. If God didn’t want people to be gay, then why did he allow it to happen? Is this one of his “divine plan”? More like self-hatred and repression. You don’t have to be “normal” to have the same fundamental rights as others. Yeah, sure, force your beliefs down my throat and call that “salvation” and “conversion”. Just because someone is different doesn’t mean they shouldn’t live the way they want.
If the God you worship does exist, I’d rather go to hell a free thinker and a PERSON than a homophobic, Nazi,racist, sexist slave.
You fascists are just sick.
This Tommy guy needs some serious help before he goes spreading HIV and other gay diseases. Good luck to him for seeing the light and getting some professional help!
The “Iowa Style” shirt and hat? Couldn’t that be straight out of Brokeback Mountain!?
Since you did not post any more messages about this “conversion” saga, I assume little Tommy reverted to his old good homosexual habits.
Now it’s time for you to do the same and to stop ignoring your true secret passions. Be a free lesbian, join our community!
Myfanwy said:
“Shelley, you are right [correct] in making his clothing your first priority.
There is this young gay, Daffyd, in our village who wears just such a red rubber pantsuit!! I am sure if we could just get him to wear normal clothes he would see the error of his Homosexualist ways and join us ?¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?ɬ?normal?¢‚Ǩ?°?É‚Äû?ɬ¥ majority.”
but remember it is a local pub for local people. and he is the only gay of the village. =0)
I find that since Brokeback Mountain one must be more carefull about how to dress ones gay when converting. as all that manlieness might land the gay in an even more pressing situation.
that pic of a red outfit was off a tv comedy program. comedy… you know, taking the piss? ring any bells????? and im quite amazed as to how you can give him a cowboy outfit and expect him not to look gay.
and about it being so ‘unnatural’ there are actually gay animals, did you know that? and i thought that only humans could commit sins, does this mean its not a sin???? (apparently pengins have the most gays for some wierd reason)
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